Why Being “Clingy” Can Kill Attraction…And What To Do About It. How To Be Less Needy.
What is it that women universally say they want in a man?
And we all get this on some level.
Even if someone is a little overweight, or a little underdressed, if they’re confident in themselves — if they clearly like who they are and are fun to be around — they become highly attractive.
Similarly, if we act from a place of self-loathing, assuming a woman is better than us just because she’s pretty, then we come across as needy (aka NOT confident).
But how do we shift this if we ARE in fact feeling anxious or insecure?
The first thing we must do, is adopt an “Attractive Mindset.”
An Attractive Mindset – How To Be Less Needy
An attractive mindset is a way of seeing yourself that makes you more attractive to others (AND makes you feel better about yourself).
Here’s the mindset in a nutshell:
I’m excited about my life and I have a lot going on.
You intrigue me and I want to get to know you to see if it’s a good fit. If so, you can join me in my awesome life. If not, that’s okay too.
If you can embody this mindset — and create your life such that it is true for you — then you’ll automatically appear less needy. Why? Because you are!
Note: It’s essential you actually develop this mindset (not just pretend to have it). To do this, make a focus of learning to love yourself, improve your self-esteem, engage in things you’re interested in, pursue your passions and fill your life with people and activities that excite and inspire you.
For example, one client of mine is an aspiring writer. He has a job and he’s not a professional writer, but he really enjoys developing in this area. In order to work on his self-esteem and to create an attractive mindset, he decided to take the risk to go to a MeetUp.com group for writers.
Of course he had fears and reservations about this – who wouldn’t?
- What if it’s all old people that I can’t connect with?
- What if their stuff is way better?
- What if they hear my writing and think it’s terrible?
But attractiveness doesn’t come from staying stuck behind our wall of fears. Fortune favors the bold, so we took a risk and went for it.
It turns out, it was a very positive experience in which he met people who greatly inspired him, AND he got great feedback about how to improve his writing (with lots of praise and encouragement mixed in).
Now he’s continuing to pursue his passion.
He’s got something going on in his life REGARDLESS if he is with a woman or not.
This is the key to the attractive mindset.
Three Ways To Appear Less Needy
In addition to developing an attractive mindset, it will also help you to avoid these major “needy” pitfalls. At first, it’s best to just avoid doing these things, even if you ARE feeling desperate and have a strong compulsion to do them. Just don’t.
This is a “fake it ’til you make it” kinda’ thing.
Once you’ve fully locked in your attractive mindset, you won’t have to remember to do these things or resist acting needy. It’ll just happen. But until it does, be aware of the following:
1. Plant Many Seeds
Have you ever grown a garden?
I’m by no means a good gardener (I’ve resorted to growing succulents because they require NO effort – and look badass, but I digress…).
But a fundamental principle of growing a garden is to plant many seeds.
Think about this for a moment — if you planted ONE tomato seed in the earth, how would you feel? Would you be relaxed about this plant growing? Patient?
Most likely not! You’d keep checking on it – “Is it growing yet?”
How about now?
You might over-attend to it. All your eggs are in this one basket – if it doesn’t work out, your garden is doomed.
In the same way, I’ve seen many men scare women off by coming on too strong.
Underneath this urge to pursue her heavily is a fear…
If this ONE opportunity doesn’t work out, there will be no others. I’ll be doomed!
What’s a way around this challenge?
Plant many seeds!
Develop your social skills so you can meet women in many different places — in classes, on campus, at work, at the gym, at a bar, in the supermarket, at a coffee shop, on the street… wherever.
(If you want to learn how to develop that skill, I strongly recommend checking out Confidence Unleashed!)
If you have recently met a woman somewhere and you guys hit it off (perhaps you got her phone number or email), don’t just put your feet up and call it a day.
So often I see guys say: “Well, this woman gave me her number, so now I don’t have to talk to any others.”
That, my friend, is placing ALL of your hopes on one single tomato seed.
What if she changes her mind? What if she just enjoyed the conversation but doesn’t want to date you?
What if she IS available, but you get so hung up on her that you call her WAY too many times in those first few days?
All this can be avoided by planting a few more seeds.
2. Be More Laid Back
This is just plain good advice for life in general. Sometimes difficult to follow, but usually a good idea.
Planting more seeds will allow you to do this. You are naturally more laid back if you are talking with several women over the course of the week. Sure, you might like ONE of them A LOT and hope she calls you back. But you also know that if it’s not meant to be, there will be others. In fact, here’s another one right now…
In addition, be wary of the text bombardment phenomenon. I see many clients I work with get a woman’s number and then eagerly text her several hours later.
She doesn’t respond right away (because she has a full life), and we think: “Oh god, she hates me and never will respond to my texts. I fucked it all up!”
In response to this anxiety-producing thought, what do we often do?
Text her again!
Nothing can cut you out of the running early like the text bombardment. At first, as you’re developing your attractive mindset, focus on restraining your urges and text her a little less.
It’s okay to be the first one to reach out, but WAIT until you get a response BEFORE you text her again!
I can’t stress this enough. If you text her and she doesn’t text you back, just wait it out. Give it several days even, then send another one.
If you try that a few times and no response, let her go. Remember, many seeds 🙂
In case you want a refresher of just how painful the desperate bombardment method can be, enjoy this clip below from Swingers:
3. Don’t Hesitate
This applies to when you are meeting women out and about in the world.
Have you heard of the “3 Second Rule?”
It states that if you see an attractive woman that you’d like to meet, you have 3 seconds to start moving towards her or else you’ll talk yourself out of it (or lurk in the corner and stare at her the rest of the evening).
For many guys this is a complete game changer, AND feels like jumping into an ice-cold pool.
You mean, just walk towards her even before I’ve planned out what I’m going to say??
If this seems completely un-doable for you, you have to check out 30 Days To Dating Mastery. It will guide you step-by-step each day through the process of meeting and attracting beautiful women.
Nothing screams neediness like hovering around her for 10 minutes where she can see you watching her every move.
This often creeps women out.
There’s much, much more to cover on this topic, but I’ll reign it in here.
Remember, the most important thing is to develop that attractive mindset, to love who you are, and to share yourself boldly with the world around you.
Now that you know how to be less needy, go forth and conquer!