My clients will often say to me, “When I’m trying to have a conversation with someone, I can see I’m making them nervous and uncomfortable.”
Earlier in my career (when I was more of a Nice Guy), I would try to reassure them – “no it’s all in your head. You’re great. It’s important to accept being anxious.”
But, as I’ve become more honest in my life and my practice, now I say, “Yes, you might be making others nervous and awkward.”
Don’t despair however! I’m going to share exactly why that is, and more importantly what you can do about it.
By changing just one simple thing, you can learn to put others around you at ease.
Why Does Social Anxiety Make Others Anxious And Nervous?
There are many subtle things that contribute to the spread of anxiety – body language, eye contact, energy. All of these are subtle and are part of the picture, but I want to focus on the MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT.
Looking to the other person to tell you what to do.
That is what makes others uncomfortable around you.
Not the quaver in your voice, not that you have sweaty palms. It’s that you are passively waiting for them to direct the conversation and tell you what say and do.
When we are nervous and shy, we are inhibited. We hold back and keep quiet. We don’t blurt things out, share much about ourselves, or ask what we’re really curious about because we aren’t sure how the other person will respond.
What if they are annoyed or upset? What if they think I’m too nosy? Too self-absorbed?
So instead, we just wait it out. This leads to a passive approach to conversations.
You respond to their questions and the topics they bring up, but you don’t steer the conversation yourself.
This can be highly uncomfortable for the other person. You are leaning on them, nonverbally saying “carry me.”
What Can You Do About It?
In order to put others at ease, you must do 2 things.
1. Acknowledge Your Responsibility To Help Others Connect With You
So often we have a subtle demand that other people should just accept us for who we are and we shouldn’t have to try or effort in any way. “If they don’t like me just as I am, then to hell with them!”
This philosophy might be appealing, but it doesn’t work too well in the social world.
If you make it your responsibility to develop rapport and help people feel connected to you, then YOU are steering the ship.
2. Move From Passive To Active
Instead of waiting for them to introduce themselves to you, go say hi to them.
Instead of responding to their greeting with “I’m good, thanks,” and then standing there, offer something of yourself or ask a question:
“I’m good, thanks. I had a strange experience on the way over here though…”
“I’m good, thanks. That’s a cool jacket, it looks really warm. Where did you get it?”
Being active in conversation means you are willing to be the driver of the conversation. You are willing to ask questions, share information about yourself, and blurt things out that seem loosely related.
It requires you to be willing to say something they might not like or fully understand. There is that risk, but the rewards are dramatic.
It feels really good to walk into a room full of people and to know that you can connect with many of them. That you have the confidence and skills to put others at ease, and to enjoy yourself in the process.
If you want this in your life, get Confidence Unleashed.
If you want this in meeting women, get 30 Days To Dating Mastery.
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Dr. Aziz
Latest posts by Dr. Aziz (see all)
- You’re Going To Fail - December 13, 2018
- How To Ask Out Someone With Social Anxiety – Dr. Aziz Q&A - December 11, 2018
- But I Keep Getting Rejected! – Q&A with Dr. Aziz - November 29, 2018
I experience this, you are forgetting though, that the anxiety frequently makes the mind go blank and you are not able to find something to direct the conversation, that creates awkwardness.
I believe that’s where you need to be patient, kind to to yourself and never give up. I can assert that the mental block all shy guys experience in a conversation will diminish gradually if you keep exposing yourself to open interaction by sharing parts of yourself. Like Aziz has said, True transformation happens when we take action.
bfantastic blog on confidence
I have the same problem. Except mines is worse and idk what to do anymore.I could be in my room silent or doing something and i hear my parents speaking in the living room. Suddenly they start stutter and forget what they were talking about. And I know its me cus I do this all the time. And it happens on the phone to even when im not speaking and its my sister or parents speaking.Idk what to do anymore. Idk if im telekinesis or anxious honestly. I just want to give up cus i dont like this and there seems to be no articles about this but i use to be normal. Everybody loved me, i promise and im really good looking like not even trying to brag. Idk whats wrong with me. I can also plant thoughts in my peoples minds without me knowing just thinking. Hard to explain. Idk
Hi juan, u r nt alone in this i too suffer grom it. Be calm and relax, it helps.
Hi Juan, people stutter and screw up all the time when they speak. Watch recorded videos of real people talking…not actors and you will see people do this. You will also notice that many people get awkward on camera because of camera shyness. Almost everyone gets nervous and shaky. Your family might stutter when speaking because they suddenly realized they said something that would get your attention. That’s not telekinesis it is empathy. Tell your family to not watch what they say around you. Tell them you want straight talk and they should be themselves. You will be okay.
Juan I experience very similar sensations as you and this makes me highly anxious, especially in social situations, but you have to separate reality from fiction. Human thoughts and actions will be consciously and subconsciously affected by the conscious and subconscious actions of others, but it is not possible to “plant” thoughts in people’s minds in a purely supernatural way (i.e. when you are not in the same physical space as the other person). However I totally understand you because I deal with the sensation of my thoughts and actions influencing the thoughts and actions of others. I find that good and bad anxiety (i.e. excitement and worry respectively) cloud my interpretation of my own and others’ thoughts and actions, which is often quite difficult to deal with, but at the end of the day you must be concrete about the situation that is worrying or stressing you out. Try and work out exactly why it makes you anxious – is it because you feel your personal thoughts have been invaded (i.e. a lack of privacy)? or you worry you may be unintentionally harming someone psychologically or physically? Once you are open to yourself about these things then you can make positive change to help you (i.e. your brain) function in a way that is better for you as a person.