Do you tend to beat yourself up mentally and emotionally? DO you constantly criticize every move and judge yourself in a way that does not serve your ambitions?

Well, if you’re looking for an alternative to the endless self-hate that is permeating your life, then you’ve come to the right place! Today, we’re going to be discussing three surefire ways to increase your self-compassion, thereby allowing yourself to learn and grow from your mistakes so that you can keep moving toward your goals positively, no matter what obstacles stand in your way.

The idea that you can abuse yourself into confidence is a myth.

It is simply madness to assume that you can beat your fears into submission in order to achieve a goal. One doesn’t become who one wants to be in the world through self-hate and an overly vocal inner critic.

You might believe that it is working for a short time or in certain ways, but in the same way, I could argue that crystal meth works well when it comes to increasing energy levels for a short time. Sure, I guess it works . . . but at what cost?!

Not only is mentally beating yourself up every day failing to move you effectively toward your goals, it is also inflicting major damage to your psyche and overall wellbeing in the long term. Does that sound like a tactic that is worth a short-lived or constrained result?



When we criticize ourselves day after day, we put ourselves in an energy of lacking.

Self-criticism puts us in a mindset where we believe we could get the girl or go for that promotion or run that marathon . . . if only we could just get better in some way first.

Firstly, that is not the kind of energy that draws people and opportunities toward you. Secondly, when you think that way, you are more likely to sabotage yourself and procrastinate than you are to drive yourself toward success.

So, how do we move past our holdups to create the life that we want?

To start with, you can try three powerful strategies that I’ve used with my clients for years—and for myself—that have led to amazing success.

The Lover Test

When that little voice in your mind starts in on a rant, does it make you feel good, encouraged, supported, and loved? Probably not. What if a lover talked to you that way? Would you keep them around?

When implementing “the lover test,” we treat that inner critic as though it is an entity outside of ourselves, and ask the question, “Would I want my love (boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, etc.) to talk to me that way?”

By thinking of our inner critic as a lover, it allows you to notice just how abusive your relationship with yourself has become.

Just think about it: what would you do if you got out of the shower and your lover looked at you and started verbally tearing you apart? You’d be incensed! Or, at the very least, you’d be aware of just how hurtful the language was.

When an abusive relationship exists in our minds, we just accept it as normal . . . and we barely even take note of the major damage we’re inflicting on our emotional body.

So, if you say something to yourself and it doesn’t pass the lover test, then it’s a sign that you need to make a major change in the way you talk to yourself in a daily basis. At that point, you can take small steps every day to change the pattern and consciously begin to treat yourself the way you should be treated.


Are you on your own side? Do you stand up for yourself when that inner critic starts in or when an obstacle presents itself?

Whenever you begin to feel that niggling sense of anxiety or self-hate creep up on you, just stop what you’re doing, and take a moment to ask, “Am I on my own side (OMOS)?”

On a scale of one to ten, how OMOS are you being in any given moment? If your number is low in a certain instance, then ask yourself what you could be doing to get on your own side. Do you need to take a break or give yourself some tough love and stop procrastinating? Maybe you need to meditate or repeat a mantra for a few minutes; maybe you need to take a walk and free your mind; maybe you just need to change the way you’re talking to yourself.

There are about a million different ways one can get more OMOS in any given moment, so take stock, be honest with yourself, and really take the necessary action to rewire any negative mental patterns.

Untether Your Self-worth

For many of us, it’s very easy to link your sense of inner value to measurable metrics (performance, looks, weight, number of friends, the approval of others, etc.).

When we hook our self-worth to some outside entity, we force ourselves to ride a relentless emotional rollercoaster as the outside entity fluctuates.

The only way we can truly reach unconditional self-love and pure, forgiving self-acceptance is if we sever that tie and build our inner value from the inside out.

So, check in with yourself from time to time: Am I linking my self-worth to anything? Have I been selling myself short because of some metric outside of my control?

These are the three questions you must continually ask yourself in order to put the kibosh on negative mental habits and rewire your patterns of thought to a more self-loving and self-accepting place:

  • Would I allow a lover to talk to me this way?
  • Am I on my own side?
  • Am I hooking my self-worth to something unnecessary?

The more often you can tune into these questions, give yourself some honest answers, and work toward a more positive mental state, the freer and more confident you’re going to be.

Thank you for joining me today! As always, I ask that you please share your thoughts and comments below. You can also subscribe so that you receive notifications about new content as soon as it’s released. The more you watch, the more you learn—and the more you keep plugging away at these invaluable tactics, the more growth, freedom, and confidence you’re going to experience.

Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.


Dr. Aziz