How To Approach Women and Start a Conversation
Do you struggle with attraction and dating? Have you had a hard time finding someone who truly makes you happy? Do you constantly find yourself reaching the point of exclusivity with someone only to hear the words, “I’m just not ready for a serious relationship”?
Today, we’re going to help you turn this pattern around so you can build confidence, create the dating life you really want, and find a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
Let me start by saying that I struggled for years with this area of social confidence—being terrified of approaching women; not knowing how to talk to them; struggling with the dating process; and, finally, losing their interest after three or four dates.
It took me a long time to realize that I was going about it all wrong . . . and I want to help you avoid making the same mistakes.
There are a few things you may be doing right now that are killing your chances in the dating world. To start with, you may be questioning your worth—making statements like, “She’s out of my league,” or, “she’d never date a guy like me.” In this case, you’re putting the woman on a pedestal in your mind and creating a need for her approval. The problem here is that once this need is created, the compulsion to “sell” yourself becomes overwhelming.
Newsflash, gentlemen: desperation is not sexy.
The number one complaint that women have about men on dates is that they tend to talk way too much about how great they are. It should come as no surprise that an engaging dialogue doesn’t start and end with your life résumé. Conversation is a partner exercise, so you’re not going to impress the woman of your dreams by talking about nothing but yourself.
This need to prove ourselves worthy may come from a pure place, but it is doing us no favors . . . so if you notice yourself going to this place when you get nervous, stop yourself immediately.
When you’re desperate to impress, you distract yourself from getting to know the other person. Eventually, she’s going to have some thoughts that are going to make her want to distance herself from you:
This guy doesn’t even know me—why does he want me so badly?
He’s not interested in having a real conversation—he probably just wants sex.
Most women—probably all women—don’t want that. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to be physical at all . . . but to be wanted solely for their bodies isn’t something that attracts them. So how can we approach (and eventually converse with) women in a way that’s respectful while also letting them know that we’re romantically interested in them?
Once you see a woman you’re drawn to, you must start by approaching her. Believe it or not, that’s actually a huge step. If you haven’t even gotten past this initial hurdle because of fear or intimidation, then you need to check out my program, 30 Days to Dating Mastery, in which I guide you step-by-step on overcoming your fears and building your confidence in social situations.
For now, however, let’s say you’ve already made it past this point. What do you say? How do you approach her?
It all starts with knowing what you really want in the ideal woman. Maybe you’re looking for someone who’s funny or intelligent or career-oriented or interested in outdoor activities. What specific traits are you hoping to find? You need to do the work to figure this out because you can’t possibly seek out the perfect woman for you if you don’t even know what you’re seeking.
Once you know what you want in a woman, you can be clear about your intentions and have a meaningful conversation.
A good practice here is to actually sit down and make a list—get specific about exactly what you want and don’t want in a partner. Many of my clients have admitted that, at times, they’ve thought that they didn’t have the right to be this “picky.” They say things like, “Beggars can’t be choosers.” The truth, though, is that the clearer you are about your desires, the more likely you are to attain them . . . and not for nothing—you DO deserve the chance to go after exactly what you want!
Once you know exactly what you’re looking for in someone, you can use that information to inform your approach to an attractive woman:
“Hi there. I have to say I think you’re beautiful, and I’m curious to get to know you and see if you’re someone that I could have a real connection with.”
You can even be clear about exactly what you’re looking for as you speak to her:
“I’ve been looking for someone who shares my interest in outdoor activities, and you seem to be a person who’s into fitness . . . do you play any sports?”
Now you’ve got a real conversation going. From there, it’s all about listening and responding to her . . . and your own gut feeling. How does it feel to talk to her? How does the conversation go? How does your first date go? You have to take this information into account and be honest with yourself about what it means.
I once dated a woman who was absolutely awful for me. I was physically drawn to her right off the bat, so I approached her, started the conversation, and ended up spending the next four or five months in a miserable and tumultuous relationship with her. It was an absolute mess.
And it all happened because I ignored the fact that the very first conversation I had with her was horrible—she was awkward, cold and distant. I wasn’t approaching the interaction from a place of reason and honesty; I was approaching it from a place of desperation.
As you begin to get more experienced with this, you’ll begin to notice this pattern and find ways to avoid it. You’ll pay attention to those little red flags that we usually ignore just for the sake of acquiring someone to be with.
You have to let go of the desperation that comes with believing that any given interaction might be your last chance at love. No one should have to settle for a mediocre relationship, and the only reason to do so is if you believe you can’t do any better.
You must continue to go after what you really want: approach her confidently; create an engaging two-way conversation; believe that you deserve the woman of your dreams; and listen honestly to the way you feel at every stage of the relationship. You’ll not only end up with a better approach to dating and relationships, but you’ll also send out the signals that let ladies know you’re not just in it for one thing . . . and that is more valuable than you can possibly imagine.
As always, feel free to “like,” share your experiences, and subscribe below. What challenges do you face when talking to women? What tools have been working well for you? If you want step-by-step guidance on changing your inner psychology, activating your power, realizing your strengths, and breaking out of your old habits, then you should also take a moment to look into my program, 30 Days to Dating Mastery.
In the meantime, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.