Fear can stop you in your tracks and when you are dating it can leave you feeling stuck, but you can eliminate the fear and feel more confident in your dating life!
Do you have fears around dating that are getting in the way of you being able to find love? Are you uncomfortable approaching, meeting, and interacting with attractive and interesting people?
Being intimidated by dating and relationships doesn’t make you a loser—it makes you a human being.
Putting yourself out there and opening yourself up to intimacy can be challenging for anyone, and I’ve found that there are three specific fears that really get in the way of creating amazing confidence in your dating life.
Today, we’re going to discuss how to eliminate these fears so your dating life can feel more abundant, free and fun than ever before.
To begin with, take a moment to consider your fears around dating.
- What stands in the way of you going after someone you like?
- If you’re like most of my clients, you have probably struggled at one time or another with the most common worry we face when attempting to enter into a relationship: What if he/she doesn’t like me?
This is one of the biggest problems I see when working with people on dating confidence . . . so much so that it can actually become debilitating—it prevents them from making eye contact, approaching someone, and sending any signals that you’re interested in the person once you do get talking.
In the long run, it will keep you from being open and expressive with the person and taking important steps forward in the relationship, such as becoming intimate and asking to become exclusive.
Another common fear I have noticed among my clients is worrying that you may not end up liking the person to whom you’re attracted. You think,
What if we go on another date and I find out I don’t like her?
If you’re a nice guy, this is a real struggle for you because the thought of disappointing someone or having an awkward breakup conversation is probably unthinkable to you. You may have even stayed in past relationships for way too long to avoid such a situation. On the other hand, you may be holding a new relationship at arm’s length so that you don’t have to worry about getting close before you end it.
Finally, you may be wondering, What if I’m just not capable of a healthy relationship? This is the third fear.
You may have created stories in your mind that tell you you’re not ready for commitment or that there is something wrong with you that makes your relationships fall apart.
Let’s address each of these fears individually. The issue with the first fear (What if he/she doesn’t like me?!) is that it makes us focus so acutely on making the person like us that we can’t see the forest through the trees. We may not pick up on any of the signals the other person is sending, we may completely ignore what the other person is all about, and we may even miss out on the fact that the person is totally wrong for us.
The fact of the matter is that no matter how much you may be attracted to a person, you don’t know him or her.
When we’re focused on our fears, we can’t possibly function as our authentic selves.
This makes it impossible for us to get to know someone and develop the potential for an honest relationship.
The simplest fix to this issue is to turn the question around: instead of worrying about whether the people to whom you’re attracted are going to like you, worry about finding out if you like them.
When you’re focused on getting people to like you (whether it’s in a dating context or not), you’re creating an energy around yourself of being “less than.” You’re spending every waking moment trying to please and impress people. This, unfortunately results in the opposite of the desired effect.
People know when they’re being pandered to, and it’s a major turn-off in the context of romance. It’s impossible for a person to see you as an equal worthy of companionship when you’re acting like a needy puppy. When you take the time to get to know someone in a way that makes it clear to him or her that you’re curious to find out if you’re a good fit for one another, it shows that you’re the kind of person who is ready for an adult relationship.
The other question you need to ask yourself in this situation is whether you’re only interested in someone because you’re out of options.
- Have you been putting yourself out there and meeting a lot of new people?
- Have you been approaching and starting conversations with the people who intrigue you?
If not, you may be putting yourself in a situation in which you become desperate to accept the first bit of attention you receive.
While I’m not trying to give you myriad excuses not to take your relationships to the next level, this is just a quick check-in you should perform with yourself so that you can be sure you’re making the right moves for the right reasons.
Now for the second fear: What if I find out I don’t like him/her?
This may be difficult for some of you to accept, but the solution to this fear has everything to do with letting go of the need to be “the nice guy.”
Do you know deep down what you want from a partner? Is this person not fitting the bill for whatever reason? Then say so! Rip off the Band-Aid.
You’re doing no one any good by staying in a relationship that makes you miserable. Not only does it keep you living in fear (and keep you from the chance to meet someone you’d adore), but it also means that the person you’re dating is stuck with someone who will never love him or her (and probably doesn’t even know it!). If you are truly a “nice guy,” you won’t want to put anyone through that, and it will be easier to part ways if you approach the matter from that perspective.
Finally, fear number three: Am I even capable of sustaining a healthy relationship?
Firstly, if you’ve begun approaching dating experiences from the adjusted vantage point of making sure that person is right for you first and foremost, you’ve already taken a big step toward becoming a person who creates healthy relationships. The only reason you might have issues at that point is that you may not have developed certain relationship super skills (i.e.: communication).
Are you honest about how you feel with your partner? Are you willing to say “no” when you don’t feel like hanging out? If not, you risk stifling your needs to the point of frustration and even anger. Stay open and communicative with the person you’re dating, and you’ll find that both of you will feel more satisfied and confident in the relationship in the long run.
You have the power to transform your dating prowess, and it all starts by finding ways to eliminate your fears.
I’ve offered up some solutions to the three most common fears I’ve come across in the dating world, but maybe you have some more specific issues to resolve or some additional advice for the community. Please share your thoughts on this topic below! What fears and challenges do you face in the dating pool? How have you learned to move past your most pressing worries? With any luck, you may even inspire a future episode.
In the meantime, please feel free to “like” or subscribe using the available links. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.