Stop Avoiding & “Ghosting” And Start Being Bold & Direct
Have you ever stayed in a relationship too long just because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings? Do you hang onto jobs just because you worry about what other people will think if you quit? When you have to end a relationship, do you procrastinate and fail to communicate your intentions clearly?
If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, then stick around, because today, we’re going to be talking about how to approach goodbyes with clear, direct confidence.]
When I talk about saying “Goodbye” to a relationship, I’m speaking very broadly—it could, of course, be a romantic relationship, but these methods can be applied to friendships and business relationships, as well!
Everything you read, see, and hear through these posts is derived from years of one-on-one coaching, live events, and mastermind programs—I have distilled this wealth of knowledge down to the best, most cutting-edge information, so if you’re benefiting from these videos, please subscribe so that we can keep spreading the message of confidence and helping each other grow.
In the meantime, let’s talk about relationships and how to end them successfully and confidently without burning bridges!
This subject came up recently during a mastermind call in which one of our subscribers needed to break ties to make his life less complicated. This is a guy who had broken free in so many ways and really taken control of his dating life—so much so, however, that he found himself too encumbered with dates and needing to end a few relationships.
This was a real problem for him, because he had pretty much assumed that life would be smooth sailing once he had learned to approach women confidently and communicate directly about exactly what he was looking for in a relationship.
Unfortunately, by advancing our skills and moving our lives forward, we often encounter more challenging, higher-quality issues.
Enter the relationship ending.
This can be such a tricky area that many of us will avoid it at all costs. Some of us like to do what’s called “ghosting”: we totally cut off all communication as though we’ve completely disappeared—no phone calls, texts, social media, email . . . nothing.
Some of us, rather than disappearing completely, just become instantly unavailable. We suddenly can’t make dates, we reject invitations, and we stop asking the other person to meet up.
Clearly, these are not assertive, confident, or mature ways of handling a “breakup.” As adults, we need to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations, rather than just wishing them away.
When “ghosting” and avoiding, we are really just succumbing to fear and doing everything we can to avoid discomfort.
Unfortunately, this isn’t serving anyone, least of all the person you want to stop seeing.
When we end a relationship, we want to pretend that we’re avoiding the conversation because we don’t want to hurt the other person. Ninety percent of the time, though, we’re really just afraid of our own emotions.
Look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. Is it better to cut ties quickly and honestly so that he or she can be free to focus their energy on someone else? Or is it better to drag the end of the relationship out, selfishly wasting their time and energy just so that you can stay comfortable?
If you were being honest with yourself, you’d admit that these fearful responses to the end of a relationship are actually selfish, rather than selfless.
The fact of the matter is that this fear that you’re avoiding is just a natural part of human connection. If all you want is to skate by in pseudo relationships, experiencing smooth ease, yet never feeling fully content, known, and alive, then keep going the way you’re going.
On the other hand, if you want to have real, meaningful relationships in your love life, social circle, and career, you’re going to have to build your capacity for direct contact, honest communication, and yes, moments of discomfort and pain. That’s just part of it.
So, how do we approach the conversation in a way that will allow us to communicate like an adult, yet also understand the benefit of doing so to the other person?
To begin with, you must act quickly—once you’ve decided that it really is time to end a relationship, you must rip off the Band-aid as soon as possible, or you will only end up making the procrastination seem increasingly more attractive.
Step two: be clear and authentic, knowing fully and confidently that you are doing the right thing. What might that sound like? Here’s one example of what I might say:
“I am very thankful for this relationship. We’ve had a great time together and I’ve learned so much from you. But I am no longer happy with things as they are. I am ready to move on and I want to be honest with you so that you can move on as well.”
In this case, you’ve started with your honest appreciation, and ended by reminding both yourself and her that this really is the best scenario for both of you.
Which brings me to . . .
Step three: take a moment to realize and remember that your direct and honest communication with this person whom you’ve shared your time, love, and in some cases, intimacy with has really resulted in a positive change for both of you.
Sure, the people on the other end of your “breakups” may be hurt or resentful immediately following the conversation (it can, after all, be a shock!). But they will be far less hurt and resentful in the long run than if you were to “ghost” them or avoid them until they give up. In fact, their long-term impression of you is likely to be that you are at least a mature and communicative person who was strong enough to be direct, sincere, and honest.
When you “ghost” on relationships, you build no power. Rather than learning to speak your mind in a positive and assertive way, you reinforce patterns of avoidance and insincerity, thereby subconsciously decreasing your confidence in establishing future relationships.
When you end a relationship powerfully and confidently, you are more likely to start another relationship powerfully and confidently.
If you can begin to look at the end of a relationship from the perspective of the other person, you will begin to understand that being direct and honest is a win-win in every sense of the phrase. When I realized this in my own life, I experienced a huge serge in confidence and overall relationship potential, and that is exactly what I want for you.
As always, I invite you to please share your experiences with relationship endings below! What potential breakups are you avoiding right now? How can you step up and face those now? Can you think of at least one way in which ending this relationship clearly and quickly might be a positive thing for the other person? Share your thoughts in the comments, and let us know what you’ve learned so that we can each benefit from you experience.
Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.