Are you Interested in someone with social anxiety and unsure of the best way to ask him or her out? Have you ever wondered if there is a right and a wrong way to do it and whether you’re going to freak that person out?

If you have ever found yourself curious about the best way to approach a person with social anxiety about dating, then stick around! Today, we’re going to be addressing a question from Lukia Leukas, who wrote in:

Hi Aziz. Got any tips for asking out a person with social anxiety? I don’t want them to feel pressured or uncomfortable by me or even force a dating situation that would make them uncomfortable. Would texting them be the worst method ever?

This is a great question.

Even for people suffering from social anxiety themselves, it can be confusing to put yourself on the other side of the equation.

You’ve just developed the confidence to put yourself out there boldly, and all of a sudden, you’re now noticing social anxiety in others . . . PLUS you’re expected to put that person in an intimidating social situation when you know exactly what they’re going through.

So, how do we reconcile that dilemma to create a good situation for everyone involved?

The first thing you need to do—and this should really apply for any situation in which you’re asking someone out—is make sure you’re being real and vulnerable in expressing your honest interest in that person.

Of course, at first, you want to keep this casual. After all, it takes a special sort of person to pull off romantic poetry (and an even more special sort of person to accept it from someone they just met).

If you’ve just meet someone, you’re enjoying hanging out, and thinking it could possibly turn into something more, just keep it simple and honest: let them know you like talking with them or spending time with them and would like to hang out again sometime.

Acknowledge the positives and plant the seed of a future hangout.

One great tip is to offer up an outing that they feel comfortable with: if they’ve mentioned an activity that they enjoy or are curious about, suggest going to do that thing together. This will either be a great opportunity for that person to teach you something new (which will set the other person up to feel their most confident) or a great chance to experience something new together (which will make that activity less intimidating for both of you).

Now, when it comes to the specific details of the strategy behind asking someone out, there are way too many aspects involved to broach all of them in a single Q&A. But if you’re curious about that and would like to go deep into the options available, you should check out my program, Confidence University, which contains an entire unit on intimate relationships, called Dating Mastery. This exceptionally comprehensive program includes several courses that address everything from reconciling your old demons to self-healing and developing your sense of self-worth, including step-by-step instructions and exercises on all of the tricky stuff (such as how to ask someone out with confidence).

In the meantime, though, don’t ever be worried about texting someone, as long as you’re being genuine.

Not only does texting give you the opportunity to consider exactly how you want to word your request to hang out, but it will also give the other person the freedom to reflect on it, if necessary.

The one thing I will caution you against, however, is being too much of a nice guy (or girl).

When you focus too much on not making the other person uncomfortable, you risk going nowhere at all. First of all, if the other person has social anxiety, he or she is probably going to be uncomfortable no matter what you say or how you say it—it’s just the nature of the beast. If YOU are anxious about the other person being anxious on top of that, though, it’s just going to be a mess of tension . . . and that’s a terrible situation all around.

Instead, what you want to do is acknowledge their tension without taking it upon yourself.

Often, when it comes to social anxiety, the symptoms are palpable—and that energy can be contagious.

Whenever I’m working with anyone with extreme social anxiety—even after all these years—I still have to remind myself that their anxiety is not my anxiety, and that it’s alright for them to be uncomfortable.

It is NOT your responsibility to protect the world from discomfort. Your only responsibility to anyone else is to be yourself, and your biggest responsibility to yourself is to act with boldness and put yourself out there.


If you’re meant to be together, then the other person will work through the discomfort.

If it’s a good fit, they will eventually show the other side of their personality: the side that’s more relaxed, comfortable, and confident. If that side doesn’t exist yet for that person, then he or she probably isn’t honestly ready for a relationship. In that situation, if you’re close enough to that person, it might be a good idea for you to direct them to the resources at, where they can find tools to work through their self-confidence issues and get to a place where they’re able to give and receive love.

So, how many of you have struggled with this same issue, and what methods did you use that were successful? If you suffer from social anxiety, can you think of a time when someone asked you out successfully or when you worked through your discomfort for someone you really liked? I hope this episode was helpful for Lukia and anyone else who is interested in someone with social anxiety. Please share your experiences with this subject in the comments below, and feel free to subscribe if you’d like to receive notifications on this content as it’s released.

Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.