Boost Your Confidence So You Can Finally Approach Her
Is there someone in your life right now who you’ve always wanted to date? Maybe you think this person could be “the one,” but you’ve never worked up the courage to ask her out.
Today, we’re going to discuss how you can help drive out nervousness around your crush so that you can approach her with confidence and poise.
To those of us who are of a certain age, it may sound sophomoric, but we all know that word, “crush.” It’s that person to whom you seem inextricably drawn and around whom you can’t help but get that butterflies-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach feeling. For most of us, whenever we’re around this person, we succumb to our nerves completely: our mouths go dry, our minds go blank, we start to sweat, and we totally blow it.
With so much to fight against, how are we ever supposed to make a good impression?
To start with, we must let go of the outcome. When we feel that strongly toward someone, we tend to interpret those feelings as an indicator that this person must be the one. Unfortunately, that really doesn’t serve us. By placing that much importance on something, we create too many opportunities to fail—we set a standard for the first encounter that’s almost impossible to live up to:
Okay, I’m going to talk to her. I’ll wait until the perfect moment, and then I’ll approach her. I’ll wait for her to notice me and give me a flirtatious look, then I’ll know she’s into me. I have to say exactly the right thing. I have to move a certain way. I have to make sure don’t come on too strong. It’s got to be perfect.
How do you think that’s going to go?
You’ll never live up to your expectations for any endeavor if you choreograph the way it’s supposed to go before you even take the first step. It’s akin to Louis and Clark saying, “We’re going to explore this brave new world . . . but only if no tree branches get in our way.”
In addition to creating unnecessary fear by becoming super attached to one very specific outcome, we also manage to repel the very thing we’re trying to attract because we become exceptionally needy:
This woman is incredible. She’s the one. I need to make her love me. If I don’t succeed with her, I’ll never find anyone.
This idea that each of us can find true love with only one person is not helping anyone. If that notion is valid, what happens if you never meet the one for you? Are you supposed to live without love for your entire life? And if it’s not valid, then that means there are a number of women with whom we can each build a fulfilling, meaningful and lasting relationship.
In either case, there’s absolutely no reason that your feelings about any one woman should give you the impression it’s your last shot . . . so cool your jets and drop the importance factor a few notches.
To become less attached to the outcome around your crush, you need to realize that the feelings you have around her are not exclusive—there are hundreds, perhaps even thousands of women who have the potential to make you feel this way.
The reason you’ve developed a crush is because you see that person every day! It started with a physical attraction, then as you continued to encounter her without any relationship progress, you developed a fixation—a crush.
This woman doesn’t need to like you. These feelings can (and probably will) develop time and time again, so let go of the idea that they hold some kind of other-worldly significance. If it doesn’t work out with this one person, it’s not the end of love for you!
But Dr. Aziz, I can’t handle the idea that she doesn’t want me . . . it feels too awful.
Of course it feels awful—you’ve trained yourself to believe that this girl is a million-dollar free-throw from half court: you may have a chance to win big, but the pressure is too high, so chances are slim to none that you’ll score, and you believe you’ll never get the chance to make this shot again.
What if you could do the opposite? What if you could train yourself to believe that it was fine to miss that shot . . . and that you’d be given the chance to make it again tomorrow and every day after that?
The good news is that you can.
Take a moment right now to imagine the girl of your dreams. Remember every little detail that makes you crush on her so hard, and let those feelings build as you picture her.
Now ask yourself what would happen if she didn’t want anything to do with you. How does it feel? Where do you feel it? Is there an ache in your chest? Is there a pit in your stomach?
Your first impulse may be to fight this feeling, but instead, let yourself experience it to its fullest. Breathe into it and allow it to exist inside you as you try to relax. Notice whether it eventually changes or softens naturally.
You’ll never stop needing something just because you tell yourself to stop needing it. You have to train yourself away from it. You have to go deep into your emotional and physical being, find the place that’s hurting, and send it love. Maybe it will take ten minutes; maybe it will take ten months. However long it takes to train yourself to accept the concept of rejection as something you can handle with ease, that’s how long you need to practice this technique.
Your dream girl will either like you or she won’t, but either way, you’ll be able to handle the outcome—you’ll be able to move past it and open yourself up to one of the million other possibilities available to you.
Once you’ve done this practice a couple times and you feel a bit more comfortable, get out there and talk to her! Don’t wait for the right pick-up line; don’t wait for the perfect moment; don’t wait for her to invite you over. Take a chance and act!
SIDE NOTE: A big part of succeeding on that first approach is assuming approval. Start the conversation as though you already know her and already know that she likes you. There’s no need for formality in this moment, so relax and pretend you’re talking to a best friend . . . you’ll set her at ease too.
If this is still feeling totally foreign to you, you may want to look into my program, 30 Days to Dating Mastery. In this program, we dive deep into creating confidence in initiating conversations and flirting with women. We cover picking date locations, keeping the communication engaging, and being less of a nice guy so that you can let your most authentic self shine . . . even trickier topics, like sex. And there’s no weird pick-up artist stuff, either! I want to help you create meaningful relationships, so everything we cover deals with communication tactics that are rooted in healthy psychology. If what you’re looking for is a serious girlfriend, this is the program that will set you up for that.
Whether you try 30 Days to Dating Mastery or not, you must begin to start dealing with your nerves around women. The more you face the challenge, the more confident you’ll feel with it, and the happier and more relaxed you’ll be in every setting that allows you to meet the woman of your dreams.
As always, please feel free to “like,” subscribe, or share your comments below. What challenges have you overcome in terms of feeling shy around your crush? How have you been successful in moving past them? Keep the lines of communication open, try the things that scare you, and connect through each other’s experiences. Don’t wait for an invitation. The longer you wait, the harder it gets, so get out there and do it today.
In the meantime, may you have the courage to be who you are, go after what you want, and know on a deep level that you’re awesome. I’ll talk to you soon.