Stop Looking At Others And Start Owning Your Own Value
Are you in the habit of comparing yourself to others? Do you think people are better than you in all areas of life? Do you think of others as more attractive, successful, or charming than you?
Whatever it is that’s making you feel inferior, it’s also costing you a lot of confidence and keeping you from going after what you want.
This is something that is happening in our heads all the time. It leaves us feeling inferior to those around us because all it allows us to see are the amazing qualities in other people. We build up the attributes of someone else and then naturally feel inferior—we’re not seeing our own strength, value, or worth.
So, how do we shift this? The first response is usually to say, “I must get better!” We try desperately to increase our value by worrying about the superficial. While striving to increase your skill level at any task is honorable, it can be damaging if you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Gaining validation through others is not really solving the problem—it’s just putting a Band-Aid over it.
We’ve got to solve the problem at the root, which is a lack of love for ourselves. If you want to move forward, you’ve got to find the part that’s hurting and heal it through love.
If you slice open your finger while you’re cooking, you make sure it’s clean, put an antibiotic ointment on it and cover it up with a bandage . . . then you periodically check on it to make sure that it’s healing properly and doesn’t need stitches. If you just slap a Band-aid on it and go about your business without checking if for a week, the odds are that it’s not going to look very pretty.
The same applies with emotional wounds: to heal it properly, we need to slow down, assess the injury and check in with ourselves periodically.
If you find yourself making comparisons and feeling inferior, it should be a signal that something is wrong. At that point, you need to lift up the hood, roll up the sleeves, and find out what’s wrong.
Start by asking yourself where you feel the hurt: your head, chest, stomach perhaps? Slow down and bring your attention to wherever you feel the hurt, then breathe into that spot and send it love.
Don’t try and solve it right away. For the first few moments, you just want to give it some empathy. You want to give yourself some love.
You need to stop the comparing and focus on the sensations that come as a result of the emotions that brought you there. No matter how painful it might be to acknowledge them, it’s all a part of the healing process.
Think about it this way: if you put an ice cube in your hand, it will be uncomfortable for the first few seconds—it might even burn a little. After a few moments though, if you are concentrating on the sensation of it (rather than the discomfort), you will notice that the cube is slowly melting away to nothing.
If you can stick with the sensation of the inner wound and breathe into it, it will start to subside. But it’s all about time and consistency. The cut on your hand is not going to heal in a day, and neither are the wounds on the inside. It might be a while of practicing this technique before you see a complete shift, but small shifts will come with each effort.
The next step is taking a moment to ask yourself what makes you who you are . . . and let’s not confuse this with something at which you need to be the absolute best. That just puts you back into the realm of comparison, and there’s nothing helpful about that. What makes you, you?
Maybe you’re the guy who can make people laugh; maybe you have a really kind heart; maybe you’re an animal lover; maybe you’re decent at the guitar; maybe you have a beautiful singing voice. Whatever it is, you need to start giving yourself some credit for who you are without needing to be the best. You don’t need to be the best in order to earn love, be successful, make money, have an awesome life, make friends, find a wife, have a family . . . you don’t need to be the best to do any of that. You need to be you.
The final little piece of the puzzle actually involves your loved ones. This is perhaps the biggest challenge of this technique, but it can be quite healing. If you can allow yourself to become vulnerable and share what you’re experiencing with the people who affect you the most, you will receive an abundance of love and compassion.
I can use myself as an example of this: I have a friend, Chris, a guy I’ve known ever since high school, and he’s always been the best at everything . . . at least as far as my wounded inner self has been concerned. We recently took a picture together at an event, and when my wife saw it, she commented on what a good body he has. Right then, that old wound was reopened. Damn you, Chris and your perfect body.
First thing was first: I took myself inward and dealt with it on a personal level, sending love and showing compassion to myself. Then I decided that I was ready to share what I felt with my wife. The great part about this was that I could actually see the love oozing out of her as I told her what I was feeling. And while it might have been tempting to stay defensive and say, “You’re just saying that,” I chose instead to just receive the love she was giving me. Lo and behold, another part of that wound was healed.
It’s possible that what I’m saying is sounding like Greek to you—healing your inner wounds, sending love, sharing with people . . . it’s all a little touchy-feely. If that’s how you feel, you might consider checking out my program called, The Confidence Code, which you can find at YourConfidenceCode.com. The program is an in-depth look at this and many other techniques and practices aimed at developing power in your life, drawing people toward you, creating better relationships, becoming more comfortable in social situations, and more. If you’d like to develop these skills in a practical context, please visit the website and begin your journey.
You can also “like,” subscribe, and share your comments below. What have your experiences been in regards to comparing yourself to people? What have you done to heal it? How do you deal with that wound? Share what’s working for you and the challenges that have been standing in your way. We can all help each other by sharing our experiences and staying connected. You will also learn more as you watch more, so please feel free to check out additional episodes via the available links. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are, to know that you’re enough just as you are, and to know that you’re awesome.