Do you desire more love in your life?
Do you wish people responded to you more positively? Do you want to be more attractive, likable, and engaging?
If you answered “YES” to any of the questions above, it’s probably because you’ve experienced that feeling of existing in a one-sided relationship—when the person or people to whom you’re attracted never seem to respond to you the same way. It can be very frustrating to go through this. It might even make you question your value as a human being.
This is not only unfair to you, but completely inaccurate.
If you want to draw people in, you don’t need to be taller or richer or better looking . . . you just need to shift your state of mind.
Today’s discussion is all about love. Love is necessary and important in every single aspect of our lives. Take work, for example: if your bosses love you, they will want to promote you; if your coworkers love you, they’ll want to support your ideas; if your subordinates love you, they’ll want to work harder for you.
It’s the same with any area, including friends, family, and significant others: love is essential for success and happiness. And as with anything in life, achieving our potential in love is a result of confidence.
Many people fall into the trap of learning to trust the significance gateway: they believe that they need to live up to some level of significance before anyone will like them—they need to make a certain amount of money, lose a certain amount of weight, or achieve a certain amount of notoriety. We start to nit-pick ourselves to the point where we obsess over the length of our right earlobe.
We get all these ideas about what we need to be before we can deserve love . . . when significance has nothing to do with it.
Being significant is not how you get love.
Being really great at something might get you noticed or earn you some recognition, but it won’t make people like (or love) you. In fact, it’s just as likely to cause people to resent you as it is to cause them to respect you.
The truth is that in order to get love, you need to give it.
If you give love, you will get love. That’s how it works. Regardless of how or to whom you give it, you must send love out into the world if you want to experience it yourself.
Now, love looks very different to different people, especially when you consider the various people and areas of your life in which you’ll need to dole it out. I show love to my wife in much different ways than I show it to my friends and coworkers. The energy of love, though, is the same.
If you’re not sure about how to begin showing love to the people around you, there’s a great book you should check out, called The Five Love Languages. In the meantime, though, if this is perplexing to you, just start by asking what people do to make you feel loved: it might be something as simple as giving you their full attention when you talk; maybe they take the time to call you once in a while to see how you’re doing; maybe they give you a little hug or pat on the back.
There are a million ways to connect with someone to show him or her your love. The simplest way, however, is just to be engaged with someone . . . no, not that kind of engaged! Just give someone your complete focus when they’re talking to you—show them you care by unselfishly giving your time and attention.
In other words: treat others how you’d want to be treated!
Give Without Fear
While not everyone is going to respond immediately (or at all) to this shift in your behavior, most people will be magnetically pulled toward you once you begin to emit that extra bit of loving energy.
All of that other stuff—thinking you need to be better or waiting until you achieve some perfect lovability status—is just the result of your fear of being the first one to show the love.
Giving love requires us to be vulnerable, and that is terrifying to most people.
Most of us are only willing to become vulnerable in exchange for certain love—we’ll only give it if we know we’re going to receive it instantly in return:
I’ll only make this joke if I know you’re going to laugh.
I’ll only be attentive and really connect with you if I know that you’re not going to reject me.
I’ll only share something authentic with you if I know you’re not going to shoot me down.
This fear makes us hold on to our love, completely annihilating any chance we might have had to begin to receive love.
So, here’s what you have to do: the very next person you interact with, ask yourself what you could do to show that person some love. This should become the number one question on your mind: “How can I give more love in this moment?”
Start small: a genuine smile; a more attentive presence; kinder, gentler words—it could be anything! If you begin to show up for people in this way and let them feel loved, you too will begin to receive the love in return.
Please share your thoughts and questions below: Where have you begun to use this concept in your own life? What challenges are you facing? How has it helped you to find more love for yourself? Practice for a week or two and then come back and update us on your experiences and progress . . . I love to hear from you and see you inspire each other. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.