There are two different kinds of value.

The first is the value we all have as human beings. We all deserve to be here and have our needs for love met. We all have a right to live and to love and accept ourselves. We all have strengths in our character that bring value to the world when we use them.

The second type of value is perceived value. This is the value that a woman believes you will bring to her world if you were to date each other or be in a relationship. You don’t have a right to it. We don’t have a right to everyone else’s unconditional love. And you have a right to not like or love everyone that you meet as well.

One of your best most valuable qualities may be how introspective and thoughtful you are, but if she asks you how you are doing and you answer “Fine, you?” she won’t be able to perceive that value.

When we talk about “selling yourself” to a woman or showing your value, we don’t mean be inauthentic and try to trick her into thinking you are someone you are not. “Selling yourself” means showing your value in a way that she can comprehend.

When a woman meets you or just begins to date you, she doesn’t know what is underneath the surface yet. That’s why external factors play a part in perceived value too, for example: standing up straight, taking up room, smiling wide, and keeping eye contact.

What do all of these behaviors say about who you are inside?

“I have a right to be here.”

“I am worthy of being seen.”

“I don’t need to hide anything, because I am essentially good.”

“I can look at you and not feel inferior because I am good enough.”

What does good hygiene, and a healthy body say about your value?

“I care about myself and I am worth being cared for.”

But what if those statements don’t feel true to you yet?

Confidence is reciprocal. The behaviors that confident people usually exhibit as a result of their confidence, are the same behaviors that create a feeling of confidence in the first place.

That means acting as if you have a place in this world, standing as if you have a right to be here, and keeping eye contact as if you were not inferior will all have a positive impact on your confidence.

Investing in your body will make you like yourself and your body more, and when you like yourself and your body more, you invest more into them.

Body language and physical health are two external signals that give a woman an idea about internal value. Here are other examples of value signals:

You tend to approach interactions looking to bring out the best in other people, and make their day better instead of looking for validation. This suggests you already feel valuable, and thus can handle a conversation where there is no validation for you.

When you do share in conversations you might tell stories that display great qualities about you such as your passion for writing or an adventure you went on. This way she can know that you are adventurous even if you are in a non-adventurous situation such as sitting across from each other at a restaurant.

You could show your sincerity by listening intently and reflecting on what she says.

The point is this: figure out what is great about you, and then think about how to show someone else what’s great about you. It’s not a question of whether or not you are great, it’s a question of whether or not you can communicate it to other people effectively.

I’ll do a personal example below:

I’m really playful.

I love reading, learning, and sharing ideas.

I’m very empathetic and care about people.

1.)  When some random kids at the park asked my boyfriend and I to play tag I said yes! And we ran around like the 5 year olds we were playing with.

2.)  I always have a few thought provoking questions in mind that I come to a date with such as the ones found in this article:

3.)  I’ll share why I chose to be a dating coach.

Are these things inauthentic? No, these are genuine ways to share who I am with someone. It’s important to be in touch with the parts of yourself that you love the most, otherwise you won’t be able to share them with others.

Remember that not everyone values these qualities equally. My boyfriend loves that I’m playful, but to someone else my desire to run around like a 5 year old could be perceived as the opposite of valuable. That goes to show again that other people can’t properly measure your value. If someone doesn’t desire your specific qualities, that doesn’t make you less desirable.

Your Action Step:

Make a list of your 3 best qualities and below each one write one idea on how you can clearly represent that quality to others (just like I did above.)

Need some help with this action step? You can book a free confidence boosting session with me so I can help you through the process here:

Do you have another question you would like me to answer? You can ask me personally by emailing me here:

Amber Grubenmann
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