Want More Confidence? Try This Powerful Confidence Trick To Double Your Self-Esteem And Self-Confidence
Today, we’re going to discuss what I call the “black hole syndrome”: the thing that’s keeping you from realizing your confidence, understanding your value, and going after what you want in life.
So, what is the “black hole syndrome”? Any time you find yourself questioning your worth in front of another person, you are experiencing it. The black hole syndrome is the belief that your very existence is sucking value from what is happening around you—it’s the belief that you are a black hole and should be avoided.
Here’s the problem with the black hole syndrome: when you feel as though your presence has a negative effect on people and situations, you don’t want to approach people. You don’t want to put yourself out there.
This problem can show up anywhere—your work, your professional life, and your personal life. Sometimes we’re very aware of it and sometimes we’re not. Sometimes it’s subconscious . . . you just feel that nervousness around other people because you believe they don’t want you around.
But what’s that all about? Why wouldn’t anyone like you or want you around? The answer is that you think on some level that your presence drains energy and is not wanted.
What’s makes this mental syndrome worse is that most people try to compensate for their black hole: they try to be really funny or they avoid social situations altogether. Whatever they do, they try to compensate for the belief that they’re horrible people who are sucking up energy from other people.
Let’s make one thing very clear: the only way we detract from the world around is by thinking we do. When you bring your honest self to a situation, people are either going to like you or they’re not. Believing that nobody wants you around does not change that . . . but it does change you.
In order to have a chance at being the kind of person people want around, you must start by showing up—by believing your presence has value and allowing yourself to be present.
My son is a year and a half old. The rest of the kids on our street are older, and they like to hang out in the cul-de-sac playing games and doing other activities. Over time, my son has gotten used to seeing these kids out in the circle with a basketball, and it has become a daily fixation of his that we go out there so that he can interact with them and play with that ball. What’s interesting about this is that the other kids have started to get to know him. They’ve started learning his name and expecting him to come out and hang with them. They genuinely enjoy his presence . . . and he’s only sixteen months old!
So, why would a bunch of pre-teens want to hang out with a toddler? He’s not playing the games they’re playing; he’s not making the jokes they’re making or doing cartwheels with them. What is he doing that’s so special? He’s just showing up. He’s showing up consistently and sharing himself with them.
How much do you show up? Do you go to networking events? Do you accept invitations to dinner parties? Do you invite people to your home? When you show up, how much of yourself do you share? These are the things you can control.
You can’t be the funniest person in the world or get every single person to like you, but you can show up consistently and share yourself.
That doesn’t mean you have to share a bunch of personal details about yourself, but, you must be present and alive and real. When you do that—when you show up consistently and share yourself—more people are going to like you than not.
A big part of this is accepting that not everyone is going to like you. There’s just no way to control that. The key here is to realize that we don’t have control over how people are going to react to us. The shift has to come from within—you have to know your own value and believe in it.
That’s what my son does: on some level, he knows his presence is good, so he goes out to join the other kids on the street without fear. He doesn’t think, “I don’t know if those kids want me today.” The assumption is, my presence is good, so here I am.
To break free of that black hole syndrome, you must remind yourself that your presence is good. In fact, that’s a phrase that I encourage you to start repeating in your mind before you go anywhere: My presence is good. My presence brings value. It’s good that I’m here.
The main thing that I want you to take away from this installment is that there’s no use worrying about whether you’re wanted or liked by everyone or “good enough” to be involved in a situation. If you can begin to show up and share more of yourself, you will see results in your life and begin to break free of that black hole syndrome.
Please feel free to “like,” subscribe, and share your comments below. I’d love to hear about the ways in which you access your value. What sort of things do you say to yourself to boost your confidence and remind yourself that you belong? Let’s help each other out and break through the negative thoughts that keep us stuck in our circle of self-doubt.
Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know that you’re awesome.