How to Stop Being Afraid of Being Yourself (Why You Shrink And How to Break Out)
Nov 10, 2025There’s a moment that happens for almost everyone I work with.
They sit in front of me and say some version of:
“I want to be myself… I just don’t know how. Something freezes me.”
Maybe you’ve felt that.
You’re in a conversation, a meeting, a date, or a group setting, and a part of you knows who you really are—your humor, your insights, your quirks, your ideas. But right when it’s time to speak… something inside grabs your ankle and pulls you down.
One client described it as:
“It’s like my brain gets dipped in that Hershey’s chocolate syrup that hardens into a shell.”
I loved that metaphor.
Because that’s exactly what it feels like.
Warm, alive, free on the inside…
Frozen on the outside.
Why does this happen?
And more importantly—how do you break out?
Let’s dig in.
The Real Reason You Shrink
You’re not broken.
There’s nothing wrong with you.
You’re not "socially awkward by nature,” or doomed to be the quiet one forever.
What’s happening is much simpler:
A part of you believes it’s dangerous to be you.
Not physically dangerous.
Emotionally dangerous.
This part of you what I often call the Safety Police is convinced that:
- People might judge you
- Someone might misunderstand you
- You might say the wrong thing
- You might make someone uncomfortable
- A moment of vulnerability could expose you
- Real you = risky you
So the Safety Police steps in and says:
“Nope. Not today. Pull it back. Keep it neutral. Keep it safe. Don’t show too much.”
And you shrink.
Not because you’re weak.
Not because you lack personality.
But because there’s an ancient part of your wiring that believes authenticity = danger.
The Shame Behind the Silence
There was a client in one of our mastermind calls who talked about struggling to be expressive when meeting new people. He felt himself opening up at times—feeling that rising spark of engagement and then, right at the peak of connection, his inner critic would slam the door shut:
“I don’t have interests.”
“I’m not interesting enough.”
“No one wants to hear this.”
Boom. Shell. Hardening.
Authenticity gone.
Isn’t that wild?
Because objectively, he did have interests. The guy worked out, loved music, wanted to travel, liked art, enjoyed hiking… and the list went on.
But the Safety Police doesn’t care about reality.
It cares about controlling the outcome.
If there’s a 1% chance of rejection, it will shut down 100% of your expression.
This is where shame creeps in.
Shame says:
“You’re not enough. Don’t reveal too much—they might see the real you.”
So you quiet down.
You censor.
You monitor every word.
You become agreeable, “nice,” and safe.
And you walk away thinking,
“Why didn’t I just be myself?”
Being Yourself Has Nothing To Do With Being Perfect
There’s a massive misconception people carry:
“I can be myself once I’m more confident, more interesting, more healed, more successful… THEN I’ll show up.”
Nope.
That’s backwards.
You don’t earn permission to be yourself.
You claim it.
Being yourself doesn’t require:
- a cooler life
- a more impressive resume
- a smoother personality
- a highlight reel
- some magical social spark
Being yourself simply means:
Letting what’s already true inside you actually come out.
No upgrades needed.
How to Break Out of the Shell (Even If It Feels Scary)
There’s a simple—almost shockingly simple—exercise I use with clients who feel frozen or blocked socially.
It starts with bypassing the Safety Police entirely.
Step 1: Talk About Yourself… As If You’re Someone Else
If you were describing a friend to someone, you’d be honest, right?
Open. Clear. Direct.
So do that with yourself.
Start a sentence like this:
“I think [your name] might be into…”
Then list whatever comes to mind:
“I think Jason might be into hiking.”
“I think Maya might really love graphic novels.”
“I think I might be into cooking, or fitness, or long conversations, or tech…”
People usually laugh at how easily it flows out.
Why does this work?
Because it bypasses the inner critic.
You’re not defending yourself, proving yourself, or justifying yourself.
You’re simply observing yourself.
This breaks the story of “I’m not interesting” almost instantly.
Step 2: Lower the Threshold
Your Safety Police has ridiculous standards.
It believes:
You need to be unbelievably fascinating to contribute anything.
That’s nonsense.
People talk about:
- the gym
- a cute dog they saw
- lunch
- a random movie
- their weekend
- a weird dream
- traffic
- the weather (God help us)
Humans bond over expression, not perfection.
Lower the threshold.
What you’re into is enough because you’re into it.
That’s what makes it interesting.
Step 3: Share One Honest Thing Per Day
Just one.
Not a revelation.
Not your deepest trauma.
Not a TED Talk.
One small, real comment:
- “I’m feeling a little tired today.”
- “I love this kind of music.”
- “I’ve been wanting to try rock climbing.”
- “I actually disagree with that.”
- “This coffee tastes amazing.”
It doesn’t matter what it is.
You’re exercising the “authenticity muscle.”
A client once said to me:
“I thought I had to be amazing. Turns out I just had to be real.”
Exactly.
Step 4: Expect Fear (It Means You’re Growing)
You might notice:
- your heart beating faster
- your thoughts racing
- a voice saying “Don’t say that!”
- tension in your chest
- the urge to retreat
Good.
That’s a sign you’re walking past the Safety Police.
They yell louder when you’re close to freedom.
But they’re not a real barrier.
They’re a curtain.
Once you walk through it, you realize:
“Oh. They can’t actually stop me.”
And the next time, it gets easier.
The Most Radical Question You Can Ask Yourself
Whenever you feel yourself shrinking, ask:
“What if I were allowed to be me right now?”
Not later.
Not when you’re more ready.
Not when you’re more confident.
Right now.
As you are.
What if you didn’t need to impress?
What if you didn’t need to succeed socially?
What if you didn’t need to perform?
What if you weren’t responsible for managing anyone else's comfort?
What if you just… showed up?
This single question creates a crack in the shell.
From that crack, authenticity leaks out.
And everything changes.
Being Yourself Is Not a Reward, It’s Your Birthright
The world doesn’t need a more polished version of you.
It needs the real you.
The human you.
The quirky, passionate, honest, messy, alive you.
The you who feels things.
The you who has opinions.
The you who laughs loudly or stays quiet or throws in a random insight that lights up the whole room.
Authenticity isn’t something you achieve.
It’s something you stop preventing.
You were born expressive.
You learned to hide.
Now you get to unlearn it.
Step by step.
One truth at a time.
One bold moment at a time.
The door is already open.
Walk through.
Get Started With the Mini-Course
If you're ready to stop shrinking and finally show up as your real self with confidence and freedom, start with my free mini-course:
👉 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confidence
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It’s short, powerful, and designed to help you break out of the shell starting today.
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