Are You Avoiding Confidence?

confidence mindset social anxiety social confidence Aug 07, 2022

We’re all here for one reason: to radically transform our confidence in every area of our lives.

We want to become more assertive; we want to build deeper connections in our relationships.

We want to increase our comfortability around new people.

We want to experience a higher quality of life.

Sounds great, doesn’t it? So, why isn’t it happening to you already?


The sad reality about confidence-building is that many of us subconsciously do everything we can to avoid it.


After many years of working with thousands of clients from all over the world, I’ve begun to notice some very clear patterns. From day one, my goal has been to observe these patternstreat the underlying causes using the most immersive techniques available, and distill the information I’ve gained so that I can share it with the world. These discussions are a great place to start your confidence journey, but if you’d like to take a deeper dive with an abundance of guidance and support, then I recommend checking out my website,, where you can find limitless resources to kickstart your success!

In the meantime, let’s focus on the issue of avoidance and how it’s stunting your growth as a confidence superstar.

First thing’s first: each of us has an identity and that identity is rarely something we walk around acknowledging consciously.

Our identities are the beliefs we have about ourselves and the subconscious stories we tell ourselves about who we are. These “self-perspectives” are based not only on how we view the world around us, but how we view ourselves in that world:

          Am I tall or short?

          Am I funny or serious?

          Am I outgoing or shy?

. . . and ultimately . . .

          Am I worthy or unworthy?

Your personal identity is a collection of mostly non-verbal mental patterns: we may not walk around saying, “I don’t think I’m worthy of friendship, so I’m not going to make a connection with that person” . . . but it’s what we’re thinking and what our energy is expressing to everyone around us.

Often, our subconscious identities not only warp our views of our worth in the world, but they also keep us from fulfilling our greatest potential and reaping all of the happiness that is available to us.

We may not be purposefully avoiding confidence, but by allowing the negative mental patterns we’ve established to run unchecked, we are helping our “flight” response to win at an alarming rate.

The more confident version of you has a different identity to present to the world. The more confident you believe he or she is capabledeterminedself-acceptingcompassionate, and WORTHY.

So, why aren’t we all leaping at the chance to take on this new identity? Because it’s scary.


Upgrading your identity—transitioning from self-deprecation to self-confidence—is unsettling.


I would never lie to you: the journey toward your ultimate self-confidence is not going to be easy. In fact, it will likely cause you to fearanxiety, and uncertainty as you work to relieve and overcome those very obstacles, simply because it is unfamiliar . . . and we are often most frightened of the things we don’t know.

Right now, as limiting and negative as your current identity may be, it is also familiar to you, and that can provide a great sense of certainty and stability. Hence, it’s no wonder that you may be clinging to it like a life preserver in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The problem with clinging to your life preserver is that it means you’re floating through life, watching opportunities pass you by.

If that feeling of being adrift in your own life sounds familiar, then it may be a sign that your identity is not serving you.

Sure, social situations may be scary to you, but the threat of new people should not compare to the threat of missing out on the life you’re meant to live. Believe me, I’ve lived through the pain of social anxiety . . . but I’ve also gone through the gauntlet and come out much happier and more prosperous on the other side. I can relate to your fears, but I can also assure you that you can radically change your life with hard work and dedication to a new frame of mind.

Why is this so tough?

Because to successfully introduce the idea of a new identity, we have to step into a new way of thinking and acting in the world before it is familiar or comfortable.

Fact: most of your confidence development will depend on your willingness to push your boundary of comfort.

None of us can predict what will happen when we put ourselves out there. Maybe we’ll get rejected once in a while, but maybe we’ll create new relationships that will enrich every aspect of our lives. Either way, upgrading our identities will require us to increase our capacity for uncertainty and discomfort.

Now, again, if you know you’re the kind of person who won’t push yourself or hold yourself accountable to these changes, then please visit to find out about my Mastermind classeslive events, and personal coaching. These resources are perfect for anyone who wants to leap into this work with added support and guidance.

Whether you choose that path or not, you must begin to open yourself to the possibility that your upgraded identity may be closer to your authentic truth than the outdated stories you’ve been telling yourself.

The “truths” that you believe about yourself are incredibly strong, and they can change the way you approach the world around you.

The more certain you are of your negative identity, the more likely you will be to succumb to its limitations.

There is an excellent metaphor for this in the Star Wars trilogy when Luke Skywalker is in the bog doing his Jedi training. As hard as he tries, he cannot lift his sunken ship from the swamp. When he expresses that belief to Yoda, Yoda simply replies, “Certain you are.” At that moment, Luke realizes that his certainty in his limitation is the only thing that’s actually limiting him.

I know how hard it is to face that outdated identity head-on and accept the shortcomings you’ve been buying into for so long—it’s terrifying. What’s worse is that our psyches will do anything to protect it:

          We’ll use anger as a deflection;

          We’ll suffer through dissatisfaction with a subpar social life;

          We’ll even blame others for not understanding us.

We’ll get so used to compensating for our discontent that we walk around angry at the whole world and hopeless about any chance of change.

This does not have to be your reality. Stop avoiding confidence and get yourself an identity upgrade! Expand your zone of comfortdo the workcommit to bold actions every day, and see results.

Don’t know where to start? You’ve come to the right place. Get a feel for the work that needs to be done by checking out other posts on this blog. You can also watch my online videos, and visit, where you can score a free copy of my eBook, 5 Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confidence and access several other incomparable resources.

Not your thing?

That’s fine too! There are countless resources available to you in this world. Find what works for you, and go for it!

The right actions will never be easy—there is no shortcut to achieving your ultimate confidence, and you have to immerse yourself fully—but the rewards are well worth the risk.

Please take a moment to share your thoughts and questions in the comments below! I really love to read about what you have to say, and we all grow from the wisdom of each other. Have you been avoiding confidence? What are your current identity hang-ups? What’s the ideal future identity look like to you?

Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.

Reading blogs and watching videos online is a start...

When you are ready to radically transform your confidence so you speak up freely, boldly go after what you want, connect easily with others and be 100% unapologetically yourself, coaching is the answer.

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