Do You Get Anxious About Messing Up A New Connection?

Do you feel pressure to perform in conversations? 

Especially if you had a good conversation with somebody, a good connection forms, and then you'll see them again, whether it's a date or a social situation. And now the pressure is really on, and there's this anxiety. It's hard to just focus on the connection and relax into it because you're so worried. 

What are you worried about?  

Are you aware? 

You feel anxiety, you know that much, but are you aware exactly of what you're focusing on and worried about? 

Maybe your mind says, I'm worried about ruining it. 

I'm worried about losing the connection that we were forming. And what's interesting there is you already started to have a connection. 

How did you do that? 

Well, I was perfect in my first interaction. So you see how the pain arising comes from this idea of performance mode that you see conversations as performance. So one of two things happened in the first conversation if it went well. 

1. You performed really well and now they like you. 

The problem with that is now you got to perform the next time. And the next time, the next time. My question for you is, what is your performance? What are you doing? Are you doing a little tap dance for him? What are you doing? 

You know, maybe you’re like extra energetic and, yeah, agreeable. I don’t know what it is, but that’s also interesting for you to study. What is my performance? What do I try to do? Now you set yourself up for perpetual performance, and you feel this anxiety that says,  well, they won’t like the “real me.” 

What is the real you? 

Is that the version that needs not performed? 

2. Maybe they liked you for you, maybe because you didn't perform and they just liked it. 

If they liked you on the first hangout and you're you, they'll get more of what they already know. 

So what's underneath that fear is a theme they already know is not so great. 

It's good for a little while, perhaps an hour or two, but a lifetime. What is that? 

That, my friend, reflects secret low self-esteem, not thinking much of yourself. 

Low confidence and not being on your own side are ultimately at the root of most anxiety around social situations. 

I think there's something wrong or lesser about me. 

And then I feel a lot of fear about connection as a result because I don't deserve connection. 

I'm not wanted for who I am. 

So how do you solve that one? Well,  it's twofold. 

You got to do that in your work. 

That's what you're here to do: you need to start to look at how you're treating yourself and how you're talking to yourself and take control of that. 

No amount of success or earning something or proving something will turn that critical voice off. 

You have to get control and say, "Whoa, I won't talk to myself that way."

STOP PERFORMING.  

I'm not saying that you just show up, throw food in someone's face, and say "What? I don't care, that's the real me." 

I'm saying dress up and wear nice clothes for your date or brush your teeth before you go be around people. 

You don't have to try so hard. 

When you do that, you'll discover that some people aren't going to like you, some people aren't going to spend a second time with you, or they'll spend the first time they'll like it, they'll have a second time with you, and then they won't like it.

But guess what? The same will be true for you.

Other people might like to hang out with the person that you might not like hanging out with. That's okay because you're not for everybody, and they're not for everybody. It's just a connection. 

Let's take it further. Then what you will discover is that if you stop that performance, it's going to feel scary.

You have to discover WHO IS ME WITHOUT PERFORMANCE.  

I don't know. 

That's a fun discovery too. A worthwhile discovery. 

Then what you'll experience is a connection that you really feel like, loved and seen and known for who you are. 

That actually heals the I'm not enough fear. That's at the root of all of this. 

Thanks for being with me today. 

Until we speak again, may we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.