How To Turn Down Your Filters And Be More FreeApr 05, 2023
Do you get stuck in conversations where you don't know what to say next?
Do you have a sense of fear when it comes to what if there’s a pause or a lull in the conversation, and then you won’t know what to say?
Maybe you are scared to the point where you don’t even go talk to someone. You don’t even start the conversation because you see someone you want to talk to.
Maybe you’re single and want to be able to meet an attractive woman, or you are in a relationship, but you want to make more friends and meet more people. But you see someone you’re drawn to; you want to go get to know them, but you don’t. Therefore, you say, “I don’t know what to say. I have no idea how it even starts the conversation.”
That’s what this blog is going to help you break free of. This blog is all about how you can turn your filter down to turn your social life up and how the degree to which you’re filtering yourself is not only blocking you from having the connections you want, but also the social freedom you want, and the social comfort you want.
What's this idea of a filter?
You probably know what I’m already talking about, but imagine things go through your head all the time, and you filter most of them out—we all do—there is a benefit to this.
If I’m sitting in a meeting at work and I have the thought, Wow, my boss looks really fat and unhealthy today, and I were to tell him that, I probably wouldn’t have a job for very long.
The same thing goes for if you’re talking with a good friend or a woman asks you a question about her appearance—it’s best to probably not just be brutally honest.
We have a filter; we just don't say the things we are thinking
The challenge, when it comes to shininess and social anxiety, is your filter has turned way TOO HIGH.
A little bit of filter is good; too much filter is bad. I know this one from personal experience. A big component of my shyness was my habit of filtering everything. I'd be in a conversation with someone and I'd be thinking:
Should I say that or not?
Are they going to like that?
Should I tell them that story?
What if they're not interested in that story?
If I talk about this thing that I'm interested in, are they going to think I'm boring?
Are they going to like me if I share this about myself?
I used to go through all of these pathways in my brain to determine if I should share something or not.
What do you think usually happens if you too think like that? If you're filtering 74 questions in your mind, then by the time you get the answer to that output, the moment is past and you don't say anything. Then you feel stilted and awkward and you're not really present.
If you want the social interaction to be fun and engaging and alive, it's got to be spontaneous.
Do we have to learn how to break out of that filter?
I used to be so filtered and confined that I would even be filtered when no one else was around.
For example, one time I was looking in the mirror in my house and I had heard a song on the radio that I liked and it became stuck in my head. So I washed my hands or face or whatever, then I started to burst out in song about referencing the song I just heard. As soon as I did, I felt a squeezing feeling in my throat. I can't do that. I don't do that. I can't filter that. Filter that. It was unbelievable because no one else was around. It was a shocking moment for me when I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “Wow, I'm so restricted that I'm so shy that I'm shy even with myself.”
You've got to break through that filter.
You got to turn that filter down because that's where all your BEST ideas are, whether they’re your best jokes, your humor, your energy, what your passions are, your spontaneity, all of that comes when you turn the filter down.
How do you do that?
Basically, just start practicing saying things, blurting things out when they come to your mind in a conversation that could be a question. This could be someone sharing something about when they took a trip somewhere, or they had something over the weekend. Then, just blurt whatever your question is, don't worry about it.
Certainly don’t think, should I not interrupt them? Are they going to think that I'm weird if I ask this question?
Now, assuming you're asking relatively normal stuff, then you're not saying, “What color are your underwear today?” Filter that stuff out.
But my guess is, if you’re stuck experiencing shyness and social anxiety, your filter is too high, and you can make yourself angry. That’s totally fine—no one’s even going to notice. In fact, they’re probably going to notice in a positive direction. For example, they might think, Wow, Aziz has been a lot more fun to talk to recently.
In addition to asking questions, you can just share something spontaneously from your own experience. That way, you can start to focus more on what you want to get out of the conversation.
What's the right thing?
For many people, the right thing is the thing that the other person likes. So you could say the exact same thing to two different people. If one person approves and thinks it’s great, then it is the right thing. If one person doesn’t like it, doesn’t get the joke, or is annoyed or bored by what you’re saying, it was the wrong thing and you shouldn't have said it.
So how am I supposed to operate?
What am I supposed to do during the day if I’m always trying to filter it?
I want to make sure that it's not the wrong thing.
YOU GOT TO TURN YOUR FILTER DOWN.
Start blurting things out.
Start sharing stories.
Start making jokes.
Start asking questions that you are curious about.
Start sharing things about your own life.
You just spontaneously share things about your life.
One more thing I want to share about this is, I can pretty much guarantee that as you start doing this, it's going to be uncomfortable, and it's going to be different. It's a new way of being in the world, and that's how you need to be. If you're willing to break through shyness and develop the confidence you want, you have to take risks and be a new way in the world.
You don't have to look back as you're climbing the mountain. I talk about this in-depth, in confidence code, where we go into the nine elements of social mastery, and this is just one of them. Don't look down when you're climbing the mountain, and that's what we do in conversations.
For example, you spontaneously say something, then break free of the moment instead of being in that moment with that person. Then, all of a sudden, you're in your mind replaying that thing that you said. That ensures you're stuck in that moment, and you've lost the interaction when it would have been no big deal because people say stupid stuff all the time—it doesn't matter—it's just an exchange of connection between you so you can be done with that moment and move on to the next one.
Even if you did tell a story or made a joke that wasn't funny, just keep rolling.
Just keep moving.
That's when you know that you're starting to get more FREE when you stop replaying and recounting and grinding away over everything again and again and again.
Just tell yourself, I'm not going to do this. And if you notice your mind replaying something and say, Don't look down, look forward, don't look back, keep going.
Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are.
Reading blogs and watching videos online is a start...
When you are ready to radically transform your confidence so you speak up freely, boldly go after what you want, connect easily with others and be 100% unapologetically yourself, coaching is the answer.