If You're Too Nice...Watch This!Jan 05, 2023
Have you ever considered that maybe you are too nice?
Do you hold back your opinions? Is it because you are worried about upsetting people or hurting others’ feelings?
Tell me if this sounds like something you might think: what are other people going to think of me? Am I bothering people, and do they like me?
If it’s a yes, then you’re going to learn something here that’s going to be a game-changer for you!
I know that sounds kind of dramatic, but it’s true.
It’s a simple distinction that I have taught many people. And I’m going to share it with you.
What is this one thing you need to learn?
There is a simple distinction between hurting versus harming.
Let me explain where this distinction originates.
Most nice people are afraid of hurting other people—they don’t want to hurt others’ feelings. So when someone wants something from them, they don’t want to say “no.”
Why? Because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Are you one of these “nice” people?
Here is an example: someone wants to go on another date with you, but you do want to continue dating them. You might think to yourself, I don’t want to reject them because that would hurt their feelings.
Or perhaps someone asks you for something, and you want to say, “Not now, I can do it later.” However, you think I don’t want to say that; I don’t want to hurt their feelings.
Or maybe when it comes to just being authentic in a conversation about your passions, interests and what you’re into: I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable.
That type of thinking is a noble virtue. It means you don’t want to cause any harm in the world,
But here’s something you have to remember:
You have to distinguish between hurt and harm.
This is because they are two very different things.
Hurt is when a human experiences pain.
But what human does not experience pain at some point? After all, there’s pain present all day long. And this is not exclusive to horrible physical pain.
If you’re hungry, that’s a form of discomfort or pain. Or if you feel emotional anxiety or sadness, that’s also a form of pain.
If you don’t get what you want, you might feel disappointed, which hurts. It could be something you are hoping to achieve or because you want something from somebody.
You could just be thinking about your life and feel I’m not where I should be right now.
What human goes through the whole course of a day and doesn’t experience any pain or discomfort? It’s unheard of.
What relationship are you involved in?
Whether it’s a social relationship, a working one, or a romantic one, I’ve never encountered a relationship devoid of sadness or discomfort, where both partners exist in some sort of nervous state, like an anesthetized haze.
They don’t exist on this planet.
Hurt is inevitable. Pain is inevitable.
Then there’s harm.
Harm is when you say or do something with the intent to get somebody.
The harm could be mild: like rolling your eyes a little as they’re talking or making some hustle sounds, or you say something snappy.
A little bit of harm there and there could be much more severe, however.
Saying character attacks like “You’re stupid,” “You’re an idiot,” and “You’re never going to amount to anything” is dangerous! Harm is on that spectrum too.
Therefore, harm is when you say or do something with the intent to cause that pain.
If you’re honest with yourself, that’s your primary purpose.
We all go there sometimes. We flip into the red zone and say something we don’t mean at that moment to make them feel bad, blame them, or teach them a lesson.
So, how do you distinguish between hurt and harm?
First, remember, hurt is not harm.
If you want to let someone down, you could say it in the nicest way possible.
For example, you could say, “Thanks for asking me out on another date. I’m not feeling it that way, and I wish you all the best.”
You could not say it any more kindly, but that person still might feel bad. Simply put, that’s not your responsibility. That’s their responsibility.
Hurt is not harm!
That is a huge life-changing distinction. When you understand it, you have to take responsibility.
I want to invite you to look at your choices and ask yourself, does this serve me? And does this serve others?
Does it serve you to say “yes” to a second date when you don’t want to? Does it serve you to go do that extra favor and then feel resentment afterward? Or does it serve the other person?
Make that distinction between hurt and harm, and USE THAT TO LIBERATE YOURSELF NOW.
If you want to take things further, check out my ebook and video course called Five Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confidence. You can click down below to get that for free now.
Until we speak again, may we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome.
Reading blogs and watching videos online is a start...
When you are ready to radically transform your confidence so you speak up freely, boldly go after what you want, connect easily with others and be 100% unapologetically yourself, coaching is the answer.