How to Speak Up and Set Standards Without Feeling Guilty
Jan 19, 2026You Don’t Need to “Earn” Permission to Stand Up for Yourself
One theme that came up powerfully during a recent mastermind session was the idea of permission — specifically, the permission to stop tolerating things that don’t feel right.
And what struck me was this:
Most people don’t lack the ability to speak up.
They lack permission to speak up.
They walk around with invisible internal rules:
“I shouldn’t interrupt.”
“I shouldn’t say this.”
“I shouldn’t ask for that.”
“I shouldn’t leave early.”
“I shouldn’t disappoint them.”
“I shouldn’t say no.”
“I shouldn’t assert what I want.”
And any time that inner “should” is violated, they feel guilt — even when they’ve done nothing wrong.
This is the hallmark of niceness conditioning (the core of Not Nice):
shame-based rules that protect approval at the cost of authenticity.
Why You Endure Things That Hurt You
A woman in the group shared that she was dating someone who—for weeks—was inconsistent, one-sided, and genuinely unkind. Yet she still felt a pull to stay, to tolerate it, to “give it more time,” and to “not be needy.”
This is so common.
Why do people endure what clearly doesn’t feel good?
Because the Safety Police inside says:
“If you assert your standards, you’ll lose the connection.”
But here’s the truth:
If you don’t assert your standards, you lose yourself.
Standards aren’t demands.
They’re boundaries that define what your soul is willing and unwilling to participate in.
And you don’t need a permission slip to have them.
Niceness Teaches You to Abandon Yourself
Many people grow up with direct or subtle training:
Don’t upset anyone.
Don’t make others uncomfortable.
Don’t ask for too much.
Don’t disagree.
Don’t be a burden.
Don’t be direct.
So they learn to:
stay quiet
swallow frustration
avoid confrontation
ignore red flags
stay in relationships far too long
prioritize others’ comfort over their own integrity
This is not kindness.
It’s self-abandonment.
And the cost is enormous:
you lose your sense of self.
You Are Allowed to Interrupt, Redirect, Clarify, and Leave
This is where “permission statements” come in.
Sometimes transformation begins when you say out loud:
“I am allowed to interrupt.”
“I am allowed to slow the conversation down.”
“I am allowed to ask questions.”
“I am allowed to say no.”
“I am allowed to leave early.”
“I am allowed to stop participating in things that don’t feel right.”
These sound simple, but they break decades-long conditioning.
During the session, I reminded the group:
“You don’t need to justify having standards.
You’re an adult.
You get to decide what your life includes.”
Standards Make You More Attractive, Not Less
Whether in dating, work, or friendship, the fear is always:
“If I speak up, they’ll leave.”
Good.
If someone leaves because you expressed a basic need, that’s alignment — not loss.
Standards don’t shrink your life.
They protect it.
And ironically, they also make you more attractive.
People respect what you respect.
If you respect yourself, people feel that.
If you tolerate disrespect, people feel that too.
Confidence grows from saying:
“This doesn’t work for me.”
And meaning it.
Courage Is Messy, Not Polished
When people begin asserting themselves, they often worry:
“What if I do it awkwardly? What if I’m too blunt? What if I mess it up?”
Great.
Mess it up.
Courage isn’t smooth.
It’s jagged.
Messy.
Uneven.
Uncomfortable.
You don’t build confidence by waiting to be perfect.
You build confidence by choosing honesty even when it trembles.
I tell clients all the time:
“Don’t aim for graceful. Aim for real.”
The grace comes later.
The authenticity is what matters now.
A Challenge: The One-Sentence Standard
Here’s a simple exercise:
Choose one area where you’ve been enduring something that doesn’t feel right.
Then fill in the blank:
“I am no longer willing to __________.”
Say it out loud.
Your body will respond.
Your soul will respond.
Your life will respond.
Because standards are declarations of self-worth.
If You Want to Go Deeper
If people-pleasing, guilt, and fear of disappointing others keep you small, you’re not alone — and you’re not defective.
This is conditioning.
And conditioning can be changed.
My free mini-course, 5 Steps to Unleash Your Inner Confidence, will help you:
β
Stop people-pleasing without guilt
β
Speak up more freely
β
Build emotional courage
β
Set standards that protect your soul
Get it here:
https://www.socialconfidencecenter.com/minicourse
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