Stop Chasing Approval—Do This Instead
May 22, 2025Do you ever feel like you need other people's approval to feel good about yourself? Maybe you get nervous around people you admire or want something from, causing you to tighten up and act less naturally. This is a common struggle, but the good news is that you don’t have to live like this. If you relate to this feeling, you’re not alone, and this post will show you how to break free from the approval-seeking habit that’s holding you back.
The Hidden Cost of Approval-Seeking
Approval-seeking is something many of us do unconsciously, especially if we’ve dealt with social anxiety or people-pleasing tendencies. It often shows up when you’re around someone you admire or when you feel the pressure to be liked. You start to ask internally, “Am I okay? Do they like me? Am I good enough for them?” This might not be something you say out loud, but the energy behind it is felt by others—and it can make interactions feel awkward and forced.
The problem with constantly seeking approval is that it erodes your self-worth. When you constantly look for validation outside of yourself, you lose sight of your own value. The more you seek approval, the less comfortable you become in your own skin, making you less likely to be your true, authentic self.
Why You Keep Seeking Approval (And Why It's Holding You Back)
Here's the thing: this pattern doesn’t just go away with time. Whether you're 15 or 55, the need for approval can stick around if it's not addressed. In fact, I’ve worked with people in their 60s and 70s who still struggle with the same patterns they had as teenagers. Approval-seeking becomes an automatic response to discomfort in social situations, and when you don’t consciously shift it, it’ll continue to impact your relationships and your confidence.
So, how do we break free from this? The first step is recognizing when we’re in that "approval-seeking" mode. And here’s a simple exercise to help you identify it.
The Approval-Seeking Exercise: A Wake-Up Call
At a recent in-person retreat with my mastermind group, I had the participants break into two groups. Each group had one task: walk up to someone in the other group and ask, “Am I okay?” It sounds funny, right? But this is exactly what you do when you're looking for approval. You're energetically asking, “Am I okay? Do you like me? Are you impressed by me?”
This kind of energetic "begging" for approval, even if it's subtle, has a powerful effect on the way people respond to you. It makes you feel small and disconnected, and it can lead others to subconsciously back away, even if they don't know why.
The Shift You Need: Fill Your Own Cup First
So, what's the solution? How do you stop this cycle of seeking approval from others?
The answer is simple, yet profound: you must fill your own cup first. Instead of constantly looking outside yourself for validation, you need to start validating yourself. A simple way to do this is by focusing on your wins, no matter how small. Celebrate what you did well today, and take pride in who you are. Write it down, remind yourself of your achievements, and notice when you're doing something well. The more you acknowledge your own worth, the less you'll need to seek it from others.
This is where tools like my 100 Wins in 100 Days exercise come in handy. It only takes 30 seconds a day, but it helps you rewire your brain to focus on the positive and fill your own cup. By practicing this every day, you start to build up the inner confidence that makes approval-seeking unnecessary.
The Ripple Effect: How Confidence Transforms Your Interactions
When your cup is full, your energy changes. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone because you already know your worth. You approach others with genuine interest and confidence, not because you're trying to get something from them, but because you have something to give. Whether it’s a conversation, a relationship, or even a business opportunity, when your energy is full, people are naturally drawn to you.
Think about it—imagine walking into a room and interacting with someone who is secure in themselves, who isn’t constantly wondering if you like them. How does that feel? That’s the energy you want to cultivate in your own life.
Your Action Step: Start Focusing on Your Own Validation
I want to challenge you today: stop apologizing for simply being yourself and start filling your cup with self-affirmation. Notice when you feel the urge to apologize for things you haven't done wrong, or when you're looking for external validation. Instead, take a moment to acknowledge your own accomplishments, your uniqueness, and your value.
If you’re ready to make a lasting change in your life, I invite you to explore my book On My Own Side, where I teach how to stop self-criticism and embrace who you truly are. Or, if you’re looking for a more hands-on approach, you can check out my resources on Dr. Aziz Confidence Programs for deeper tools to unleash your inner confidence.
Remember, you are already enough. No more looking outside for validation. The power is in your hands to change your relationship with yourself, and by doing so, change the way others relate to you.
Let’s stop seeking approval, and start living with confidence. You’ve got this!
Reading blogs and watching videos online is a start...
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