The REAL Reason You’re Too Nice

Mar 29, 2023

Are you too nice and/or overly worried about what other people are going to think of you? 


Do you hold back in fear of upsetting others, making a scene, feeling guilty after you redirect with somebody you know niceness? 


If you do, my question for you is: WHY?


Why are you being so nice, maybe even too nice? 


Maybe you read my book about being less nice, called Not Nice, and watched videos on this channel, maybe other materials out there, and you've seen the problem. You said “I got to be less nice,” but something gets in the way. 


I'm going to share one thing with you that I think is the real reason you're too nice, and millions of other people live in what I call the cage of niceness.  


I lived in the cage of niceness for at least 15 to 20 years; it overlapped with a cage of social anxiety. 


So if you're in both cages, your life is pretty restricted. And the worst part about being in the cage of niceness is you can get yourself into real trouble. 


You could bring yourself into a relationship that's not good for you, and because you're nice, you stay. You could put yourself in a workplace situation that's toxic or unhealthy, but you're nice, so you don't speak up or challenge people; you just kind of take it. 

So what's the real reason why we do this? 

Are you bad? 

Are you weak? 

Are you wrong? 


No, it’s none of those things. Or maybe you don’t blame yourself. You blame them, or you say, “It’s my parents. It’s my upbringing. It’s my church. It’s my community; it’s whoever.” 


I’m not saying that your upbringing doesn’t have a big part to play in this.  That’s where the nice conditioning comes from. That’s where you learn from the cultural field how you’re supposed to be to fit in and be good. 


But that’s not the main reason right now. 


Do you want to know what the number one reason is? 


If you were to do something less nice, say “NO, challenge somebody, speak up, take a risk, and be bold yourself,” what gets in the way? 


Often when I'm working with clients or talking to someone who wants to be a client, they'll say “Oh, but I want to do the thing, but I just can't.” That's not true. 


It might feel like that at the moment. I know that feeling. But the truth is something deeper, which is it's not that you can't, it's that you're afraid


You might say, “Well, fear isn't one thing that stops me.” No, fear is not the real reason. 


Fear is what creates that pause. 


The real reason is you're scared, and you have an idea about how uncomfortable it will be if you do the thing. 


You don’t want to experience discomfort. That’s hands down the number one reason why nice people stay nice forever. It’s this unwillingness to rip off the band-aid, to have the conversation, to say no, and ultimately to face the feelings that you’re afraid that you’re going to feel. Hence the discomfort and the avoidance of discomfort. 


As long as I’m working with someone and I see that pattern unfold, that they want the change. Still, they don’t want to feel uncomfortable, they don’t want to immerse in that discomfort to break three to the other side. 


Then my job becomes 100% about helping them become willing to go into that unknown, willing to go into that discomfort, building the tools and the capacities to face that discomfort so that they’re not constantly running from it for their whole life and staying deep in that cage of niceness. 


Do you relate to this? Is it true for you? 


I know this is an uncomfortable one. You might say, “That’s not what it is. I’m willing.” 


The proof is in the pudding.


May you have the courage to be who you are and to know deeply that you’re awesome.

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