The Secret Confidence Super Skill That You MUST Know

You’re gonna discover a super skill for confidence that is essential to learn and know.

I share this skill with clients, and they use it in any situation. 

You can use it around people. You can use it when you're alone. You can use it at work. You can use it in meetings. You can use it before meetings with a client. 

It’s universal in its usefulness and effortless to learn. 

The more you do it, the more useful it will become. And then, you can use it in more intense situations to calm your anxiety, sustain your confidence, and ultimately build your confidence over time. 

You could call it self-soothing. You could also call it optimal self-coaching. I prefer optimal self-coaching because self-soothing sounds, I don't know, a little bit like soothing an infant with a pacifier. 

However, it does have a soothing or calming effect on your nervous system, but I like optimal self-coaching. It just sounds more like Tony Robbins. 

What does optimal self-coaching mean? 

It means that you are able to narrate to yourself on purpose in your head, soothing, calming, supportive, encouraging, calming, and optimistic phrases. You're able to talk yourself through situations in real-time as they're happening. 

I had a client who was going into a breakup conversation. He was nervous. He knew it was the right move, but it was uncomfortable. What he was most uncomfortable with was the notion I'm going to feel so guilty. What if this person is crying and I feel bad and I'm the bad guy? 

We were doing a role play and how we could communicate what he needed and what needed to change, and then said, “But what if she starts crying?” And I said, “Okay, well, then you're there with her, and in your mind, you're able to say this to yourself, literally, why it's happening.” 

You breathe, and you focus on your breath as you're with that other person having whatever emotions. 

This could be with someone who's crying, someone who's angry with you, someone who's upset, someone who's concerned, whatever. You can just narrow it in your mind:

It's okay. 

It's okay for her to have feelings. 

It's okay for me to have feelings. 

It's safe.  

The feeling is safe. 

It's uncomfortable to feel, but it's safe. It's safe to feel my emotions. It's okay for her to have emotions. I'm not responsible for her having no negative feelings. Say this in your mind. 

Breathing always starts with a breath. I'm nervous about this work meeting, and I've been in dozens of meetings like this and have always been able to find my voice and speak up when I'm in the moment. I'm actually quite articulate. If I do hesitate or stall or lose my train of thought, I can just take a breath and resume. It's safe. It's safe to be in meetings. 

It's safe to communicate. 

It's safe to make mistakes. 

It's okay. 

Are you noticing a pattern? It's a message of safety. It's okay if these bad things happen, and I am capable of this; where am I coming up with these phrases? I'm saying what would be calming and reassuring, and supportive. I'm saying what you would say to a friend you really care about before they're in a situation, during, or after. 

That's what you want to start to be able to do with yourself—you want to train to do this. 

Now, if you just wait until the intense moment and then try to do this, you'll be overwhelmed with emotion, and it will just be like words. And you're like, I don't even know whatever. I can't even think of what to say.

Start practicing with the small stuff. 

You're late, and you're driving in your car. You're stressing out, and you just say “It's okay to be late. It's safe to be late. We'll be able to work through any issue that occurs when I'm late.” 

We can talk through anything. You talk yourself through these minor occurrences, and you can start doing it more and more. If you're alone, you can do it out loud. 

If you're sitting in your car, you might as well talk to yourself. 

What you're doing is you're training yourself. 

Until we speak again, may we have the courage to be who you are and to know deeply that you're awesome. I'll talk to you soon.