The Truth About Learning Confidence

confidence mindset social anxiety total ownership Nov 01, 2021

I have a confession to make. It’s a confession that I don’t want to have to make, and it’s probably a confession that you’re not going to like to hear . . . but my goal here has never been to mollycoddle you or sell you on something that you don’t need.

I have been studying and mentoring on confidence for almost two decades; I’ve written three bestselling books on the topic, and have helped thousands of people through private counselinggroup mastermind sessions, and live events; and the purpose that has driven me from day one has been liberation—liberation from fear for you and for myself. If there is one thing I’ve learned in that time, it is that we have to know the road ahead of us if we are going to clearly traverse that path to liberation.

Hence, my confession:

You CAN attain greater levels of confidence and create the life you want . . . but that confidence is only going to come after experiencing moments of such discomfort that you’re going to want to quit.


Confidence is possible for all of us.


You can do things you never thought possible. You can live bigger, experience more love, feel more courage, and liberate your ultimate authentic self. In order to do that, however, you are going to have to step outside your comfort zoneface your fears, and take action to do what scares you.

One of my favorite sayings is, “Do what scares you until fear no longer has the power to stop you.” It’s one of my favorite sayings because it encapsulates 90% of the work we do to set our confident selves free.

There are countless exercises I can teach you to help you build your confidence, along with additional exercises to help emotionally ease your fears. If you’re not willing to take chances and push the boundaries of your comfort, though, this work won’t get you anywhere.

Let me give you an example from my own life:

As I’ve already mentioned, I suffered from anxiety for years—in all honesty, I’m a natural introvert. One of my biggest challenges in life is making through the live events that I host on a regular basis throughout the year. These events are absolutely the most powerful tools I have available to me to help me radically transform my clients’ confidence in just a matter of days . . . and even though I know how effective and beneficial they are—and even though I know how fantastic it feels to lead them in the end—I face a period of fear and anxiety leading up to them . . . EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

For at least three or four days leading up to the event, I’ll think about how long the days are, and I’ll agonize over how many people there will be and how much interaction I’ll have to lead (again, huge introvert here). It will even get to the point where I start asking why I do it to myself and whether it’s really worth it.

But here’s the truth about that inner monologue: it’s not my voice—it’s the voice of my fear.

No matter how confident you are or how much work you’ve done, you will always have to battle that voice of resistance that pops up just before you’re about to do something that scares you.

That thing that you’re about to do—that chance that you’re about to take—it’s the most beneficial thing you can do for your confidence development and for your growth as a human being. But the “safety police” in your head will stop at nothing to keep you from going through with it.

You’ll think it feels wrong; you’ll tell yourself it’s not worth it; you’ll make any excuse to avoid taking action. You might even convince yourself that your bold action makes you a bad person who deserves to feel guilt and shame.

It’s nonsense!

Nevertheless, it’s all part of the process.

It means that you’re growing.

It means that you’re pushing your edge.

It means that you’re doing the necessary work to create a better life for yourself.

These periods of fear and anxiety might last minutes, and they might last weeks but you will come out stronger on the other side of them if you can just stay strong and stand your ground.

In those moments when you feel like you might fail or run for the hills, just remind yourself of the first time you committed to this work. Remind yourself of the version of you that you committed to unearthing. Put yourself back in the place you were when you realized that you had the power to change your life—because THAT is the real you. That is the authentic voice of reason in your head—the voice that demands control over your destiny and knows that you have more to offer.

My confession to you is that this journey is not going to be easy—I never promised it would be—but the turbulence you experience as you climb to greater confidence heights is just a test.

You can make it through.

You can overcome.

And you can break free of the fear that holds you down.

You are not alone in this process. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to push the edge of your comfort and power through your fears, and that is exactly why I have created so many wonderful resources for support through my online community. For access to those (and other benefits), visit my website,, where you can find links to several programscounselors, and live events.

In the meantime, however, you can get the conversation started right now by sharing your thoughts and questions below. What is the greatest fear holding you back from taking action? What bold action would you take if you had no fear of the consequences? How did it feel to overcome your first big hurdle and leave that self-doubt in the dust?

I love to take these journeys with you, so please keep me involved and share your process with your peers through this online forum. Until we speak again, may you have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you’re awesome.

Reading blogs and watching videos online is a start...

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