You Have Permission To Make Others UncomfortableDec 15, 2022
Did you know that you have a right to make people uncomfortable?
In this article, you're going to discover exactly what that means and how it can liberate you from a cage of being overly nice, overly worried about what other people are going to think and feel, and therefore not speaking up, expressing yourself, and ultimately not living your own life.
If this topic seems relevant to you, I encourage you to go much further than this article and actually read my book— Not Nice, which goes into much more detail.
In that book, one of the things I'm helping readers do is let go of what I call “over-responsibility”.
Over-responsibility is when you take too much responsibility for the feelings and experiences of others.
In essence, this means if someone around you is feeling bad, sad, anxious, irritated, or uncomfortable in any way, that's your responsibility. You have to “fix” the other person and their feelings to make sure they feel good again, and then everything's going to be okay.
You may have been living this for so long and gotten so good at it that it feels normal. You might even take a little pride in how caring you are for others. However, if you examine it more closely and you’re honest with yourself, it goes beyond simply caring.
Over-responsibility and niceness are actually not about caring or kindness… they are forms of anxiety.
You might have been doing it for so long that you don't even know why you do it. But let me ask you… why do you do it?
Why do you feel the need to make sure that everyone feels okay around you?
Is it because you're a good person?
Is it because it means you're kind and loving?
Well, maybe it starts to look that way, but actually, if you really start to study it, it's not about kindness or loving at all. IT’S ABOUT FEAR.
It comes from an underlying belief that says if you feel upset in proximity to me or because of me, then you’re not going to want to be my friend, my lover, or my boss anymore.
If you get upset around me, you won’t like me, and you’ll ultimately leave me.
Sound about right?
Unfortunately, this is a DOOMED strategy from the start because now you're playing the approval game. You're hustling, you're people-pleasing, and you start to become more and more disconnected from yourself.
Trying to win others' approval by avoiding their upset disconnects you from your true self.
So what's the solution?
The solution is to speak up, to say what you need to say, to ask what you want to ask, and just to BE YOU.
Along the way, people are going to feel uncomfortable sometimes. And there's no way around that.
The only way to avoid direct upset is to take your vitality and light and turn that sucker way down to less than 25% of what you really are. If I shine bright it will make others uncomfortable so I’ll dim it down to a low glow.
If someone is uncomfortable because you are more successful, that’s not on you, that’s on them.
If someone is uncomfortable because you disagree with them, that’s not on you, that’s on them.
I could go on with a thousand other examples, but I’m sure you get the point!
Yes, people are going to be uncomfortable sometimes.
Now, of course, you can get more skillful in your communication. So if you say to someone, “you’re a stupid jerk and I hate you”... you aren’t treating the respect and there’s definitely a much more skillful way to communicate your upset.
But assuming you're not just throwing punches around and you're communicating with respect and saying something like: There's something that you did and I’m not sure if you’re aware of it. But it actually has this effect on me and other people. I want to talk with you about it.
Now you're off to the races. Now you're speaking with respect and assertiveness and the other person is going to listen.
Because guess what?
When people get uncomfortable, they might want to squirm away, but it actually could be the very best thing for the connection or relationship.
Have you ever been in a romantic relationship where you needed to have a conversation and you avoided it because you didn't want to be uncomfortable or you didn't want them to be uncomfortable? How did avoiding that work out for you?
Maybe you're not in that relationship anymore…
If you’re ready to make a real, deep, lasting change from a nice and pleasing person to a powerful, authentic version of you, I highly recommend looking into my 12-month mastermind program.
Until we speak again, may we have the courage to be who you are and to know on a deep level that you're awesome!
Reading blogs and watching videos online is a start...
When you are ready to radically transform your confidence so you speak up freely, boldly go after what you want, connect easily with others and be 100% unapologetically yourself, coaching is the answer.